u/BugRemarkable5674

Throwaway, because I'm tired of screaming in the places that matter. I'm tired of begging and pleading to be in the loop, to help at any capacity while I struggle to help myself to feel like I ever mattered at all. I'm fucking done questioning everything because there will always be sneaking, there will always be shit that "isn't porn": video games, YouTube, erotica. It doesn't fucking matter. The fact that *I* am the crazy one pissed the fuck off about this is insane. I wish he would fucking grow up. I've been waiting for a lifetime for him to propose to me, but his head has been so far up his ass the whole time that I don't know if it'll ever happen, and honestly I don't know if I want it to. I'm not even going to bring up what I found today to him, and that tells me that I'm starting to give up. I fucking hate it. I worked so fucking hard for us to get here, and I thought he was too, but maybe I really am out here alone. Maybe I would be better off if I were so I'm not constantly being hurt by someone else's lack of control. I find it so pathetic, and I wish thst I didn't. I've been trying to understand and to be there for him but the constant secrecy makes that impossible. ​My chest is empty. I'm not suicidal, but if I could just lay down and stop breathing, I'm ready. I'm so tired of trying. I'm sorry if this isn't allowed. I just don't know where else to go.