Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on Reddit so bear with me.
My best friend (for privacy reasons, I'll call her Mary) married her current husband (we'll call him John) a year ago. They reconnected after high school and got engaged after dating for only a few months. Honestly, I never saw the appeal in John and I felt that they didn't have anything in common. Mary often told me about the fights they would get in early on in their relationship, and how emotionally immature John was. He made her cry often, and though she didn't tell me many details, he just seemed like he was unnecessarily cruel to her. Oftentimes when I would be hanging out with Mary, John would call her and yell at her for some reason or another. I often comforted her through this turmoil and did my best to call out John's behavior as problematic, hoping she would either confront him and he would change for the better or that she would realize her worth and leave him.
All of this aside, they decided that they were happy enough as a couple to get married. Their wedding was a year ago. After their wedding, it seemed like Mary and John were doing pretty well. They got an apartment together, Mary got a puppy, and they were doing good. At this point in time, their relationship problems appeared to have subsided for the most part, at least to my knowledge. She told me about the occasional argument they would have but that was it.
About seven months after their wedding, Mary and I were planning to paint some 3d figures, as John had just bought a new 3d printer. Mary told me that she was telling John about the figures we were going to paint; it was in the shape of a cow. John asked if it was a goat because it had horns, and Mary said that cows also have horns. This innocuous response from her prompted him to walk up to her, pull his pants down, and pee on her leg. She appropriately was angry and told him to clean it up. He refused. The pee puddle was there in the kitchen for hours before Mary just gave in and cleaned it up herself. She told me this as if it were a funny story, and while it is comical, it illustrated to me how lowly John thinks of his wife.
More recently, as in the beginning of this year, Mary and John had been having more marital issues. Mary grew increasingly frustrated with John's lack of emotional maturity and often tried to talk with him and communicate her feelings, while he did his best to shut her out. John would get mad at Mary for some stupid reason and then refuse to talk to her, only saying that he was mad at her and to leave him alone with no explanation or further conversation. I feel like I'm underselling his immaturity here; he acts like a 5 year old when he has an issue with Mary and he knows it upsets her and he never tries to change for her or communicate with her. She cried so much trying to get him to just talk to her.
While this was all culminating in serious cracks in their marriage, it would only get worse as the year went on. Mary told me that John was increasingly distant, and would often disappear for long periods of time and not answer any of Mary's calls or texts. When he was home, he demanded that Mary give him head but he would not return the favor. They had stopped having intercourse completely, even with Mary talking to him about it and trying to initiate intimacy. I expressed my displeasure at this. As a husband, shouldn't he enjoy intimacy with his wife and giving her pleasure? She dismissed it though.
On Valentine's Day, John did not give Mary any gifts. He didn't even write her a card. She painted him a thoughtful gift and wrote him a sweet card. Later in the day, she sent me a picture of the card torn up in the trash can. My heart broke for her. I got her several Valentine's day gifts and brought her a card, because she deserved to feel loved. When I saw her I told her that John needed to treat her better, because this was just unacceptable.
The next month, about a week before Mary's birthday, Mary's younger sister took her own life. They were very close and it was sudden. They lived in the same house. Mary and John saw her lifeless body. It was traumatic for both of them but especially Mary. She struggled with immense amounts of grief after the event. I was there for her as much as I could be. Supposedly John was being very supportive to her as well. However, stability in their relationship never lasts long.
Not long after her sister's death, Mary told me that her and John had an argument and John had packed his things and was staying the night at his parents' house. She said that she didn't know if this was the end of their relationship but she didn't want it to be over. Part of me hoped that it would've ended there. I'd seen the toll the marriage had on Mary from the start. After they talked about it more, John told Mary that he wanted a divorce. It hadn't even been a year since their wedding. He said that he wanted to take Mary's dog with him. I feel like he wanted to take the dog just to spite Mary, because it is Mary's dog; he did pretty much nothing to take care of it or raise it the whole time they've had it. Also, the fact that he brought up all of this while Mary was grieving was just so cruel. It just reinforced to me that he does not care about her or her feelings at all. I told Mary how sorry I was that she was going through all of this, and that it would be hard but maybe they should go through with the divorce. She said something along the lines of, "But then I'll be single and lonely." However, they never did follow through with the divorce. They started attending couples counseling.Things have been better since then but she still does not seem happy in her marriage. I don't ever talk to John but from what Mary tells me he isn't happy either. John still refuses to be intimate with her, only demanding head. A few days ago John told Mary to change into her pajamas in the other room because her body was "disgusting". I am still fuming just typing this. I can't believe he would say something like that to the woman he is supposed to love.
I desperately want to see Mary leave this abusive relationship. She is my best friend and I want to see her happy, with a person that will love and cherish her. I just don't know the best way to go about it. How should I approach a serious conversation with her about going through with divorce? I've told her my qualms with John countless times before and I don't know if it ever gets through. She is having a hard time in her life right now, so I want to be as gentle as possible in bringing it up. Any thoughts are very appreciated. Thank you!