I (mid-20s F) and my boyfriend (a year older) have been together for over two years. We live alone together in his childhood home. Things moved pretty quickly with us, and in all honesty, it’s all been great. He’s my best friend, so alike to me, and we have spent all of our free time and waking moments together.
That said, his drinking is horrible. Both his mother and father have a problem, and he’s told me the stories that have brought him trauma from them. He’s doing the same to me. He’s lied about how much he drinks, or that he’s drank nothing, and I can’t take it. I used to care about the actual amount but I’ve digressed to pleading for honesty.
They’ve been major instances. Like him lying and saying he’s drank less whiskey than he has and me waking up in the middle of the night with a gut feeling to check and see that he diluted the bottle in the freezer. Another time friends came over the weekend of my birthday to celebrate me and I went through his phone this night (bc he was so plastered) and saw they offered to bring a cake and he told them no, that he already had one and we would eat it when they come over. We never had the cake that weekend. He drank cutwaters like a madman that day and spent the whole evening throwing up while they were over, with me following and chasing him to the bathroom so concerned and distraught.
Then there’s the casual instances. He’s cleaning his bike and I, my car, when I ask for something and I notice his speech is slurred. I call him out and notice he can’t even stand straight. He deflects to a different time.
I caught him one time pouring out something from my car in the driveway and hiding a 6 pack somewhere where I wouldn’t see. I only caught this bc I was outside and he didn’t see me. I asked him what he poured out. He was actively drinking and driving. He likes to call them “road sodas” and he’s normalized this throughout our entire relationship until i finally convinced him how ridiculous it is. He was only honest here bc I caught him red handed.
Hes lied every other time. And that’s where I am. A little over a week ago I came from the gym and a local community event. I smelled the alcohol on him. I asked him how much he had to drink. None. He then pushes to say he had 2 before I had come home from work earlier that day (he was home only 45 mins before me). That same night I am sobbing in our bed, talking to God in front of him, and telling him I don’t care about the drinking anymore and that I need honesty. He lies to my face and tries to console me at the same time. He tried to cuddle me to sleep but my body physically rejected his touch bc I was sick in my heart. He has gaslit me every time. Wednesday I call out of work bc I looked in the mirror and starting sobbing at the fact this has become my life. That same day I hounded him and he finally admitted to having 4 beers while I was out that evening I knew he drank. I lost my shit. I have never cried this hard or bad and have never felt so betrayed, and I had an ex cheat on me lmao.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like a shell of a person. I am touring an apartment today to see how I feel about it because I still don’t know. I don’t have any family around me or any close-close friends. He’s all I have up here. I’ve been having crying spells every day and have become so retracted in my social interactions (which is nothing like me) to the point my coworkers and HR rep offered resources and support.
I don’t know if it clicked for him but this is the first time he’s apologized sincerely and has mentioned how he doesn’t want to jeopardize our relationships and how much he loves me. I’ve read a lot of posts and have watched loads of videos from other s/o’s on TikTok and they all warn about the lie of promising change. I don’t know what to do or even think at this point. All I know is I’m scared and hurt.
Where do I even begin? Obviously therapy is the right answer and I’m on it. But I appreciate those who have been in my shoes or his.. please help me. I can’t spend my life with someone who won’t ever change.
Throwaway account for obvious reasons.