i want so much to transition, but so much holds me back.
the picture is me as of a few months ago, after i shaved my head as punishment for messing up the best relationship i’ve had. i’ve been trans since i was 16 (currently 19) and have only been getting more and more disgusted with every aspect of myself, especially my appearance. this incident has only skyrocketed it further.
i’ve never taken any… major things to try and be more fem. never had HRT and honestly don’t think i will.
i hate being a man, i hate being a woman, i hate being non-binary, i hate being defined but society and everyone forces me to oblige their systems of oppression. when i’m alone, i feel no gender in myself, i feel no connection to humanity or the ground i walk on or soul i occupy (could be my schizophrenia tho).
i’ve never had any support in my transition, let alone anywhere else in life.
at this point i just don’t know what to do or what to be. i’m probably going to fail school for the third year in a row with my mom breathing on my neck and insulting me for every movement i make.
i don’t have friends, lovers, family, or strangers i can trust. hell, i’ve only trusted 1 person in my entire life and they left me for their bf after 2 years of being best friends. doubt they’re even alive anymore.
i don’t even know what points to make, this is more so just rambling and hoping someone will make me feel better or be my friend.
god i hate gender
god i hate pronouns
god i hate appearances
god i hate humanity