I (23F) am an only child with pretty strict African parents, and I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my sense of what’s normal vs. not.
For context, my mom has a pattern of being very controlling and then flipping situations back onto me, and I end up questioning myself a lot.
The situation:
Back in March, I told my mom my graduation was coming up. She had been planning an international business trip for months, and she asked me how I’d feel if she missed my graduation for it. I told her honestly that it was okay and she should go, especially since she explained how important it was for her career and finances.
I also made it clear I didn’t want a graduation party. I just wanted something simple.
So I planned things on my own:
- took my graduation pictures (with a friend who’s a photographer)
- paid for most things myself (I’m on a tight budget and working extra shifts)
At one point, she helped pay for part of my dress, which I appreciated, but she keeps bringing it up as the reason I “didn't look bad.”
Now she’s on her trip, and after seeing my graduation pictures (which I personally love), she texted me saying:
- The pictures are “stupid and useless.”
- It’s a “shame” she can’t post them
- I didn’t “carry her along.”
- She’s “disappointed” in me
When I called her to say that it hurt me, she said that if I were there, she would’ve slapped me.
She’s also now saying:
- I “downplayed” my graduation, which is why she went on the trip
- I act like I have money and don’t listen
- She might block my bank account when she gets back
What’s confusing me is:
I feel like I tried to be considerate. I didn’t pressure her to stay, didn’t ask for much financially, and handled most things myself.
Now it’s being flipped into me being the problem.
As an only child, I don’t really have anyone in my family to sanity-check this with, and I’m starting to internalize it.
Am I wrong for how I handled this? Or is this kind of behavior something other people with African parents have experienced too?