Struggling today
Hi everyone, I'm (F32) really struggling today. I'm feeling really lonely. For context I'm now a single mom who shares 50/50 custody of our little girl.
There's a lot going on for me at the moment and I honestly just feel like I don't understand why or how I ended up here. It's been 5 months since our separation. Im currently renting a short term apartment because I am in the process of buying a property but unfortunately, the process of buying a property where I live can take 3-6 months for the whole process to be complete. From this purchase there's a lot of stresses that are coming out in regards to the mortgage, the contracts of the house, etc - which make me feel uneasy about whether or not I will be able to actually buy the property (or any property for that matter) right now.
On top of that, my short term accommodation is coming to an end so I am moving to another temporary apartment which is only 1 month long (the housing crisis where I live is horrendous so it's tough finding something for a reasonable price which is why I am struggling to find longer term accommodation). I feel awful about this because I feel like my daughter is having to live this massive change in her life. She's only 2 years old so she might not remember a huge lot from this period but I still just wish I was in a different situation so I could give her the best life possible. I keep seeing posts on Instagram from other parents doing family road trips and I wish I could be in that situation so that my daughter could have amazing experiences in a family setting instead of having to live this separation period alongside me.
I can't help but wish I would have had my daughter with someone who was emotionally available and wanted to be there for each other and work things out together and was someone who I adored and he adored me back. .
I also should mention, I've no family near where I live and also my family is pretty distant with each other emotionally anyways so I don't have huge support from them so that really doesn't help.
I genuinely feel like there's something wrong with me, that I'm unlovable and that I will be a loner for the rest of my life. I'm in therapy and my therapist keeps telling me that maybe I should be more open to chatting to friends and family but like... I don't feel like filling a whole just by chatting to someone when I feel lonely. I want genuine close emotional intimacy and friendship and connection.
I feel so freaking demotivated right now. Thank you for listening, it's nice to just vent.