[Tw : DV, abuse]
[Be mindful, I don’t live in US nor any other western country, social welfare system is highly different where I live in Asia.]
Hi, I’m 34f, disabled and chronically ill with multiple genetic/rare diseases and 30+ comorbidities.
I live with my dad who’s 60m, and my sole caretaker.
I can’t live on my own, I’m a legally blind, wheelchair user, 100+ surgeries, dependent on oxygen machine. So I really need him, a lot.
I understand it can be very stressful, difficult, draining for him, but he has been throwing fits after I was diagnosed four more genetic conditions last year, and required more medical needs and his support.
Two months ago, we got into a fight.
I had rehab appointments in early morning that day, located two hours away from home.
So I woke up early, got ready myself, hurried him.
He woke up late and insisted on staying in ben half an hour more, we eventually ended up late for my appointments.
He’s an addict, it was alcohol and gambling when I was young, now it’s gaming. It stays up all night and wakes up late.
The rehab has the specific policy for penalty when you cancel appointments for three times, they will terminate the sessions altogether. Then I need to be on a waiting list for months to years.
I had two cancellations already, because of his tardiness. Of course I was hurried.
I was having a bad pain day and when I woke him up and hurried him, he accused me of “not better at waking him up early”
And there was the his go to comment.
”It’s your appointment, so it’s your job.”
”It’s not my job. If you want to go on time, that’s on you. You should’ve remind me and wake me up early.”
I woke him up, he INSISTED to oversleep.
The fight continued in the car, while he was driving.
Usually I try not to provoke him or escalate during he’s driving, because I know he’s temper.
But that day, I was already in excruciating pain nearly making me cry, finally I snapped.
I told him “It’s not my job to wake you up, and certainly it’s not my responsibility to manage your addiction, the main source of your oversleeping and tardiness.”
After I spoke up, I immediately realized I shouldn’t have said that.
He snapped, said
”I can’t live this way, so we should just unalive.”
And hit the gas, drove fast to the open traffic IN THE BUSY HIGHWAY.
He almost crashed our car.
He did it THREE times that day alone. Deliberately.
And it wasn’t the first attempt nor the last.
HE says I provoked him, and I should’ve kept my mouth shut, managed his temper, read the room.
He also CONSTANTLY reminded me that he always could withdraw his care and support at anytime ‘if I don’t behave’ or ‘continuously nag him’
I thought I was dying that day. I genuinely believed.
Two months passed, I’m still tip toeing around him.
I’m getting tired of his tantrums over my life saving medical necessity.
I deeply love him as a father. I’m trying to be civil with him, but it’s really hard.
I reported him as a minor when he’s was in the job but it was buried.
The responding officers said
“You should be grateful to have a father who took care of disabled like you, if I were him I would’ve put you in the facility.”
“He’s a police officer and you could’ve tanked his career and reputation by falsely accusing him over nothing, are you selfish that much?”
They buried it saying unfounded, without interviewing me nor my statement, investigation etc.
He’s a retired cop who worked as the chief of domestic violence/child abuse task force, and worked as a guidance counselor/advisor at city education department.
He knows all the shelters, hotlines etc. He still has friends in police and social work.
He knows the system, too well.
I’m really scared for my life.
I feel like I’m stuck, and wanting to get away from him, even though I can’t really live independently.
Am I overreacting?