I think I might be in an emotionally abusive marriage, and I need honest outside perspective.
My husband and I have had issues for a long time, not just recently. He drinks frequently, and when he does, his behavior changes significantly. He becomes emotionally abusive—he provokes me, says hurtful things, and pushes my buttons until I react. Then he records my reaction, which makes me feel humiliated and unsafe even in my own home.
He is generally emotionally unavailable and avoids serious conversations. Whenever I try to address problems, he either shuts down, becomes defensive, or turns things back on me. Nothing ever really gets resolved.
Over time, this has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I feel unheard, dismissed, and constantly on edge. I second-guess myself a lot and feel like I’m losing my sense of stability.
There have also been repeated trust issues throughout our relationship. He has a history of inappropriate behavior with other women, and because of that, I don’t feel secure. I find myself constantly doubting him and trying to “figure out” what he’s doing, which is exhausting.
He has also made comments about my appearance that have hurt my self-esteem. Instead of acknowledging the impact, he dismisses it or avoids the conversation.
Last night, we had a fight. He drank heavily and chose to sleep in a separate room with the door locked. Today, he didn’t wake up until around 1:30 PM, which is unusual for him unless he’s been up extremely late. Based on past patterns, I suspect he may have been talking to other women late into the night (possibly even his ex).
Now he’s saying he has a fever, and I find myself doubting even that. I don’t know what to believe anymore, and that confusion is really affecting me.
What makes this especially confusing is that in between all this, there are brief moments where he acts attentive, caring, and normal. During those times, it feels like things could be okay, and I start doubting my own judgment about how bad things really are. But then the same patterns repeat.
I feel like this cycle of hurt → confusion → brief calm/affection → and then the same issues again is keeping me stuck and unable to think clearly.
What makes this feel emotionally abusive to me is:
- He provokes me when he drinks and then records my reactions
- My feelings are dismissed or ignored
- I’m left confused and constantly second-guessing reality
- He avoids accountability and meaningful communication
- I feel anxious, hyper-aware, and mentally exhausted most of the time
- There is a repeated cycle of hurt followed by brief “good” phases that keeps me attached
At the same time, I feel stuck. He was my first love and my first everything, and despite everything, I find it extremely hard to detach. I know this is unhealthy, but I feel emotionally tied to him in a way I can’t seem to break.
My questions:
- Does this sound like emotional abuse, or am I overreacting?
- How do you deal with someone who provokes you and then uses your reaction against you?
- Why do the “good moments” make it so hard to leave?
- Is it possible to rebuild trust in a situation like this?
- How do you detach from someone you’re deeply attached to, even when they hurt you?
I’d really appreciate honest advice.