(40F) good relationship, but frustrated by increasing complacency and lack of partners (38 M) desire to initiate/respond to s*x.
Feeling like a cautionary tale trying to determine if what I perceive as a lack of desire is something we can work through long-term and what is best to do about it. I'd say that most relationships
go through this, but where do you draw a line?
We have a good relationship; it's taken me years to trust and we've worked hard to build a stable, cheerful, supportive and good understanding of each other in a way that most would hope for. However, there have been some obvious periodic dips in intimacy and lack of effort to connect and I've been the one who has pointed this out, sometimes leading to some rather serious conversations about our needs.
I had an awful past relationship where sex was used as control, I was ignored and I discovered he was a serial cheater. Then when I refused to continue to go with him any intimacy or communication was cut, so I shut down for years eventually numbed myself, went without and I focused on being the serious parent.
My partner's a lovely guy and I grown to value and enjoy sex with him especially because his approach has been considerate: he made an effort to take time, encouraged me to feel more comfortable in myself and with my body, and to be confident in communicating what I want.
I also ensure he isn't lacking for anything and I'm mindful of how he feels, how tired he might be like we all experience with work and life things going on. On average I'd say we go every 4 days, but I want and have expressed numerous times that I'd love more and for longer.
We don't use toys as neither of us were much of a fan and it was a mutual aim for me to finish without them, but now I find I have to use them alone. My libido is the best it's been and I don't want it to go to waste, especially as I hear a woman's libido can stall with age or she needs support to get going. We have also discussed and he was in support of this point.
I now find myself frustrated, sometimes angry as it feels like another dynamic of being controlled and made to, wait for him on his terms as I realise now we don't have sex or sext or have low effort foreplay near as much as I'd like or expected to, but it's unclear why. I say 'expected' as it's based on how we started and continued after the 'honeymoon period', my partners former approach and ongoing conversations.
To my surprise I find myself often looking at and really wanting to be physical with other guys, something completely out of character for me based on my experience with cheating. Catching myself with the thought makes me angry and resentful, because I'm reminded about the sex I'm not but could be having, and because of what seems to me like a lack of desire from him, which I cannot force nor do I want to feels awful. While I'm trying to be respectful, not demanding, we're also of an age where we're encouraged to speak up on our wants.
Another thing is that my partner shared that he had been someones lover once; sexting, travelling even to have sex, apparently because the other persons relationship lacked many things including sex (ironically). I've never held it against him, but it tells me he understands desire and the effort he can make if he wants to.
I recently had a message from an old connection and was polite and clear that 'it's a no as I'm in a relationship', but honestly had to get a grip not to act on it and still think about it.