I have never felt unwanted like this. I do not post how I look online cause the only validation (if ever) I need is from my boyfriend. Everytime I raise a concern of how I dont feel attractive he always tells me it is not true... but his action speaks different and that is why I feel I am not enough. He says he is tired to always be expected to make a move, yet almost everytime I initiate I get turned down. Rejection hurts. We have been together for 1.5y. Things improved yes but seems like I always have to prompt it with discussions.
I do not think I look ugly, and for having reached this state I have reassured myself in my adult years despite never getting compliments of how I look but unconstructive negative comments about my skin from my family (that I went for dermatologists for, with my money, and still belittled). I struggled with self image. I did try put jewelry on for first time and i dont think it attracts him. I know the history of him and his exes and it doesnt help. He said he does not have a type but how could I make myself enough for him to do the same like he did tp his exes? Should I have some tattoos and change my skin colour, my eye colour?
I just want him to find me attractive...
Now I feel that I have to make it an issue just to make him make me feel wanted in bed. This usually happens after few days/nights of him gaming or scrolling, and yes I was waiting for our time. When I confront after a few days, his reason are either he just wanted to wind down or he was tired, and he wants me to understand which I do. What I dont understand is he wants me to initiate while I dont know his mood. On the other end, he knew I always drop everything I do when he initiates. I never like begging but it feels like it is and the action followed would make me feel it is unnatural. Rejection is my friend. I start feeling ugly, I want to cover my skin, maybe I need to go to gym to look like his exes (I am pretty healthy and have a great figure compared to his ex he said). So I dont know :(
I keep crying. He does not like it when I have a breakdown. Idk what to do I am just communicating my needs and I am sad. I never want to change for someone and he said there is no need but it is a problem.
Otherwise, we make a great teamwork, we both are kind and put others first. We are sweet to each other. We kiss, cuddle, and hug... and then the night ends with him going to sleep.
What am I missing? Is this normal?
I would gladly appreciate any comments esp from someone who struggled with low self esteem. Thank you.