I’m losing my mental health over this guilt
I 23F was with my best friend at her boyfriends house who lives with a guy 28M i use to talk to and who i have had a history with before for a short time. i had initially went over there because i was going to talk to this guy about why things ended he feels as if the last time we talked was bad and i agreed. He actually owed me $ for a computer he never bought that I sent money for so i was mainly going to clear up that situation with him and see if we could settle a debt/ get some $ back since he had refused over text. i, in the moment didn’t think he was a malicious person, but i do believe the back and forth texting got us nowhere in our settlement. i was her ride there but i was drinking a little into it after they offered us some dinner and she wasn’t so she was the ride back. we hadn’t planned on spending the night whatsoever that was never in my idea. i actually tried waking up my friend and she was asleep and wouldn’t respond and i couldn’t drive my car. i was heavily drinking (about 7 vodka and tequila full drinks equates to more than that probably) i was heavily intoxicated and my BAC was higher i believe between 0.15-0.20+ i am a lightweight and parts of my memory i don’t remember but i was drinking and bumping into things, sending random texts to my friend and mom, and stumbling and falling asleep mid convos. yes i was drinking i understand that, i thought i was safe in the presence of my best friend, but my judgement with him was completely off apparently ) i do remember being super drunk and heavily heavily intoxicated and not myself whatsoever and still feeling those effects the next morning. He was sober , I was drunk. i know we did go into the conversation around 2am and i was feeling lots of anxiety with it. i fell asleep mid convo and ensured lots of distance and space on the king bed, i didn’t want to be next to him i wanted to have this conversation and my intoxicated self knows now that was not the right time but i didn’t know in the moment. i remember waking up on his bed around 2:30am after our conversation and remember him grabbing my hand to sleep and he tried to kiss me on the lips. i instantly rejected that and put my arms in an X and said no. i was severely drunk and he was completely sober. he then brought me by my arm next to him to cuddle in the bed. and eventually he started touching me sexually over my clothes and a couple times under my shirt which i guess i lifted up my shirt when he tried and things continuing to the morning. i was so confused on what was going on. i had only slept 2-3 hours that night. i just dont remember stopping other stuff too during it except when he tried to kiss my lips and when he tried to touch me in my clothes. i also rejected sex, oral, fingering, any of that i guess and i participated at times but also rejected at times and also asked for him to continue when he wanted to he claims. i know that i wouldnt do that sober at all. im not into him whatsoever and not someone i see romantic involvement with. im confused on if i am valid and i am feeling all sorts of self blame even tho i rejected his kiss (he claims he tried kissing me after the conversation and apparently i put my arms in an X in front of his face. that was the NO.) i am nervous to tell the guy im seeing 21M since we are rekindling and taking things seriously and he values honesty and i think he thought we were exclusive. we’re not officially bf and gf yet but we’re heading there i believe in the next month or two. this is because he assumed we were exclusive and asked me if we were about a week after this happened , i replied ”yes” because i know i didn’t do anything with intent. i am feeling lots of guilt and self blame like it was my fault, I feel this way because of my participation while intoxicated. i am scared to talk to him about it since it happened a month into us seeing each other with another man. i am feeling more blame about the morning time as i know alcohol can last in your system especially after only 2-3 hours of sleep and being that intoxicated and i still felt effects but i feel like it’s all my fault. I have talked to the guy he apologized for making me feel uncomfortable but thought it was “ok” since we had been together before.