Me (26F) and my boyfriend (27M) are very attracted to each other, but struggle with sexual intimacy due to differences in emotional connection needs.
So I should start by specifying that, 1. I have his consent to post this, and 2. This is mainly an "emotional connection" problem, as opposed to libido or desire. We both definitely have healthy libidos and sexual desire for one another, but we express it differently, and the mode by which sex engages us is also different.
I've been with my boyfriend for quite a while now and we had plenty of sexual encounters for well over the first year. But life stress and work get in the way, and lately we just haven't been able to get into it. Or more specifically, I haven't been able to.
I, like a lot of women/femmes, have responsive sexual desire, whilst my boyfriend, like a lot of men/mascs (though not all), has spontaneous sexual desire. But mine is a little more complex. I do respond to his sexual advances, but for me to feel comfortable enough to engage in sex, I need consistent affection, intimacy, closeness, etc. I need to feel deeply emotionally connected to him. Without that consistency, I just can't engage in sex comfortably, regardless of how I personally feel about it.
I do have a healthy libido, I am very sexually attracted to him, and I absolutely do want to continue having sex. Sex, for me, isn't really about being horny or getting rid of it, but instead about feeling closer to my partner.
As a result, we haven't had any real sexual encounters since New Year's. He's very consistently teasing and likes to show his desire for me. And whilst he still VERY MUCH turns me on, arousal alone isn't enough for me to comfortably want sex. And I’ve been trying on my side as well to nurture that connection. Consistent emotional connection is important for me to feel secure in a relationship.
We've talked about this a lot and it basically boils down to him not really knowing how to consistently maintain our emotional connection bond with me, and I guess me possibly failing to properly translate that for him? But he's shown real initiative in wanting to learn.
I suppose, in short, I'm asking for advice from mainly men/mascs here who've faced this issue before (being in his shoes) and found solutions that worked, that I may be able to explain to him. I want to be gentle with this because he sometimes struggles with feelings of shame around this, and I think he may feel like a bad boyfriend because he doesn't consciously know how to do this, even though he definitely can subconsciously and has before.
To be explicit: I do not believe he's a bad boyfriend at all, nor do I blame him for this. Honestly, I sometimes feel like a shitty girlfriend for not being able to as easily want sex, even though I very much do want it. Throw in the fact I've had bad (SA) experiences in the past, and it becomes more complicated for me.
But I'm extremely comfortable with him and absolutely feel safe with him. I guess it's more of a body vs. mind situation for me.
We have spoken about each other's love languages and how to make each other feel seen and wanted, but he still seems really lost on how to consciously engage with these things. I'm feeling lost on how to help him...