I've been struggling in a battle with depression for years. Things got better, I started improving. And then I went into emotional shock today. I spiraled out of control and started utilizing manipulation and self destruction as a weapon to prevent the domino's from toppling over and reaching a point of no return. I'm struggling with self destruction in every aspect of the word. I'm struggling to stay away from my car and drive as fast as I possibly can to feel something other than depression and sadness. I forgot just how powerful emotions can be and how destructive it is. And i'm losing this battle.
I don't know if I can beat it again. I dont have a support system for any of it. I never had the ability to open up and talk about it and I tried working on it with just myself until it finally started going away. I felt on top of the world for a change and everything today just ruined how I feel. I just want to be okay. I have people that care. But i'm starting to not reciprocate it anymore. In the past 9 hours, i lost the ability to care about myself and my jobs. I lost the ability to care about everything i just built up. I don't want to take care of myself anymore. I don't feel the urge to keep going, even as a survival instinct.
I just feel every personal relationship I have starting to mean less and less again. I don't want to be alone anymore. And I am terrified. I feel so incredibly lost and like everything i did meant nothing. I don't care about the progress ive built. It came back and hit me harder than I ever thought it could. This is killing me and I dont want it to come back again... I just want to sleep and wake up like this was just a bad dream. But it isn't.