Searching for meaning, finding myself wanting.
Depression has been getting worse lately, I've been trying to improve my life for so long that I think I'm jaded. I've been trying very hard, I've been trying to lose weight, get out and exercise, maintain long-term friendships, and improve and grow as a person.
I've come to the conclusion that the universe or maybe God is reactively negative towards me, that when I try I'm punished for the effort. It's the only thing that makes sense, otherwise, the explanation is that I'm so unbelievably unlucky that it's a statistical anomaly.
I don't think I can take it anymore, I'm tired of struggling for nothing, I'm tired of knowing that I'll never feel good again, or even content. I'm tired of knowing that I'll never be loved. I'm tired of a continuous arduous struggle with no light at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe I'll leave some people behind who will be sad at my passing, I would hope that they would be happy that I'm no longer suffering. I don't deserve to be in pain forever for their sake. I wish I had some quick avenue of death, everything immediately available to me sounds painful, I guess one last chuckle for God to have at my expense will be my painful suicide.