hey all,
I’m 27M, living in the US.
Moved here for my master’s and have been working since couple of years ( totally unique, telusu😌)
Honestly, I have no clue what’s happening in my life anymore. It feels like everything is falling apart all at once and I’m just winging everything work, friends, relationship, health, fitness, my emotions, responsibility, trying to keep people happy… there’s so much going on that I can’t even point to one thing and say “yeah, idhi change cheyali , idhi problem"
Before getting into everything, there’s something i need to get off my chest. For months and months I’ve been going through treatment for my tumor, and the number of times it’s come back has drained every bit of hope and energy out of me. A few weeks ago, the doctors told me there’s nothing new left to try to fight the constant recurrence. We’re just continuing meds and therapy hoping it slows down the growth. The “optimistic” timeline they gave me was 8-12 months to get better but it always kept changing , it’s always “6 more months,” and every time it comes back harder. Even the doctors now say “let’s wait and see” and “let’s try.” Hearing that sucks.
I’ve taken enough time to accept it, and at this point it’s not the hope or outcome that scares me. It’s thinking about what I’ve actually done in my life and what I’m leaving behind for the people I love.
My parents worked insanely hard to make me who I am. I was spoiled all my life until undergrad humbled me. The friends I made there changed me and I am glad that happened. I learned the value of simple things, about money, about people, everything. That time meant everything.
My parents keep asking me to come back home so we can figure things out together. I want to, but I keep refusing because I’m greedy. Greedy not for me, but for my parents. I want to earn for them. I want to leave behind as much as I can. That’s become my only goal. And even that I’m struggling with because of expenses and medical bills. (I’m not some high-earning tech wizard just because I live in the US lol.)
I’m constantly scared that I haven’t done enough for my parents. I overthink it to death, what have I done for them? Is it enough? It never feels like enough.
Relationships are whole other mess.I dated one girl almost all my life from school till undergrad. She is still the best person I’ve ever had in my life. If she was around, I wouldn’t need anything else. We were from different religions and our families had issues, but we still tried. We split in 2020 when things got too heavy between the families. Then I found out about my tumor and started pushing her away even more because I didn’t want her to carry any extra burden. She’s still in my life as my best friend, and she’s married now and happy. I’m really happy for her but Ik deep inside, i didn't do enough to keep her in my life. i just didn't.
Later, I met someone else and honestly it was the biggest mistake of my life. I trusted the wrong person completely. This was when I first learned about the tumor and was already unstable. The lies, gaslighting, manipulation, toxicity, I still get haunted by it. Maybe karma for pushing my first love away.
Since then, I can’t even imagine liking someone. I meet amazing people, but the thought of liking anyone gives me anxiety. It’s not that I’m not over that girl, I am. I don’t care about her. It’s just that before her, my life was simple. Full of good people, good intentions, honesty, happiness, fun. She destroyed my belief that “people are always good.” The only thing I learned from her is that people can be bad too. Maybe I was too naive, but I learned.
I used to have the best people in my life as friends right from school days to college. Never a dull moment. I lost my best friend during COVID, and a few days before he passed, he called me. I couldn't pick up and sent him a text that I'll call him later. When I finally called him back four days later, it was too late. He was gone, and everything in my life flipped upside down. That was the first time I truly understood what “empty” feels like. I keep replaying it in my head that I didn’t call him back, that I wasn’t there, that I didn’t do enough. And after that, something in me changed. I began distancing myself from others too, almost without realizing it. And once people found out about my health, things shifted even more. I let go of my closest friends for no real reason, and now I don’t know how to undo it. We still talk occasionally, but it’s not the same. I want things to go back to how they were, I want them back , but I feel like it’s too late. I should’ve understood all this sooner. I just didn't. I didn't do enough.
My fitness has been terrible too, worse than terrible. I’m trying to get back into shape but I don’t even stay consistent. That’s on me. I know I need to get up and fix it, but I am just not able to. I just am not doing enough.
I want that one special person in my life, someone I can share everything with, the good moments, the hard ones, the responsibilities, the dreams. I want to build a family, have a cute baby, be a loving dad like mine. I imagine taking them to school, listening to their little rants, being there for all those small everyday moments that make life feel full. I want the best of the best for my future. I just don’t know when I’ll actually feel ready to reach for it. Every time I try to get close to someone, all the things I’ve been carrying come back, and I end up pulling myself away. The last thing I ever want is to hurt someone else AGAIN and make them sad with my mess.
I love being happy, making people laugh, spending time with others, gaming, watching sports, having drinks, and anything and everything. But after all this stuff happening one after another, I feel like I’ve changed completely. I don’t even remember who I used to be. I want to be “me” again so badly, but I can’t. I’m not doing enough. I’m just not.
One day I’ll be fine… or maybe not. But I’m not worried about myself. I’m only worried that I didn’t do enough for the people I love. I feel like I failed them. I feel lost.
I’ll see how life goes in the next few months. My only hope is probably to become the best son, the best friend, the best person I can be. I just want to do something enough, just enough once in my life. I want my parents to be truly happy with or without me. I want the people in my life to be joyful with or without me. I want the people I love to always be cared for with or without me.
Maybe then I’ll finally feel like someone who isn’t a failure.
But on a brighter note, putting all this heavy stuff aside, I’m honestly super happy and grateful for everything and everyone in my life. People have been genuinely sweet and supportive, people I met in person, at work, in school, even through random Reddit DMs. It reminds me that there’s so much good out there. You really can’t go wrong with just trying to be a good human, right?
Please don’t get me wrong after reading all of that, I’m not losing hope or giving up on anything. I am happy with my life as it stands, no complaints, living it one day at a time to the best I can. I’m just sharing some thoughts from my head, letting a bit of what’s inside spill out.That’s all.
I cant share these with people ik for obv reasons, so here goes my first reddit post. Sorry for making it too long, I am not good at this : )