Hi guys,
this is my first post here. I just wanted to say that i feel every single one of you and that i know how hard it is to live with these current thoughts and fears. Im dating my boyfriend since january and i love him so much, but ROCD is very harsh on me and our relationship. I doubt if i love him, if he's the right person for me, if he's pretty enough, this and that... i also doubt that i still love my ex and that i'm with my current boyfriend to get over my ex and this thought makes me want to throw up. I compare the two of them and if my ex got something better than my current boyfriend, I lose my mind completely and think : "This is it, I dont love my boyfriend, i'm still not over my ex" and then cry instantly. I cry a lot, like everyday. I spend hours of my day trying to reassure myself that I love him, not my ex, that he's the right one for me, that i love him, but this never seems to convince me. I know that our OCD attacks what's most important for us, and so, the thought of losing the relationship (for X reason mentionned above) drives us crazy to the point of crying and getting so anxious. (even to the point of sometimes being numb.) It feels like i'm always at war with my thoughts, that i'm always trying to prove myself that what I think is not true, and i spend all my day doing it. It's exhausting, i know. It's frustrating, it's making me sad and angry. I just want to love my boyfriend in peace.
I feel deeply for you who's reading this. I hope you know that you are not alone, that a lot of us here are living this. And I know that it feels like no one here is living it as hard as you, but trust me, even if ROCD shows in different forms for any of us, the pain is real for all of us. It's easy to doubt that you even have ROCD, and this adds up to the fuel of "do I really love my partner" and the cycle goes on... but please be kind to yourself, and trust that it will get better. I promise you, it will.
Right now, I feel drained, i feel sad, angry, i just wanna feel at peace, i wanna feel joy with my boyfriend and a lot of love. I know these days will come. I am starting ERP soon! (Great news) and my psychologist seems very nice. I hope that ERP will help and that I will get better eventually. I know the mountain seems very high and unattainable, but my boyfriend told me something that I needed to hear. He said : everything is fine here, it's all in your head. I think we all need to remember that.
I'm very lucky that my partner is here for me and that he understands how hard ROCD is for me. I feel so horrible to even have these thoughts of doubts towards him, but I think we should all learn to be kinder with ourselves. We are not responsable for the thoughts that consumes us.
I hope you guys take care of yourselves. I hope every one of you gets better, i hope this message made you feel less alone and sparked a little bit of hope for your future. Trust me, it will get better. Find help, just like here on Reddit, but talk to your friends about it, explain it nicely to your partner, try to talk to a specialized OCD therapist (ERP), and please, be kind to yourself.