i think my adhd meds are harming me
i dont even know why im writing this i just feel defeated. for context im 24F and got diagnosed when I was 21. When i was a kid my adhd was very much rooted in anxiety, my grades were horrible cause i couldnt study, and i was a huge day dreamer (which is how i got diagnosed in the first place. it became a huge issue when i got older cause i would dissociate and literally just live inside my mind for months). anyways, i was given concerta 18mg, increased to 36mg after 2 weeks (i think). my crashes were horrible, i would get so depressed and i would twitch a lot. but it made me do. and i was so excited. for the first time in my life i didnt feel like a zombie and i actually was willing to work on my assignments, shower, and get out of bed. the first pill i took literally made me get up, clean my room, and leave the house to go vote for a local election???? WHICH IS CRAZY CAUSE THAT WOULD USUALLY TAKE SO MUCH OUT OF ME BUT IT WAS EASY!!!! at some point the side effects got too much for me to handle and the effects were wearing off so i was switched over to ritalin. again, it felt like i had superpowers, i was doing work that i procrastinated for weeks and finished them in one day. i become social and chatty. i feel like a normal human being. the side affects were disgusting though, i’d get these dormant headaches and dissociation so i only took them when i really needed them.
then came the slap in the face. I took a ritalin before my psych appointment. when i got to the clinic the checked my blood pressure and its was crazy high. we investigated and realized it was the ritalin. i asked if i could get another type of stimulant but methylphenidate is the only type available in my country. this puts me in such a shitty position. its either i take the meds and risk my heart exploding but actually feel like a person. or stop taking them and probably get fired from my job cause i physically cant work without them. i just feel so helpless