Nearing Divorce and Accepting The Truth That I've Never Been Sexually Desired
I've been poly for over three years. It was not poly under duress, not really. I agreed because she said it would make her happy, but I told my wife I would prefer monogamy. I'm a man if it matters.
I've spent three years going through so many different emotions as my love for my wife slowly died. Our marriage is circling the drain now. My wife should realize this based on our check-ins and simply living with me and knowing me for so long, but I think it will come as a mild surprise.
Anyway, I've recently come to a realization that has been both difficult and transformative for me. I may never have been sexually desired my entire life. Or at the very least, probably not since during the raging hormones of high school. I've been serially monogamous with few gaps since I was a teenager, and I've had some friends with benefits during the gaps, but I've never had someone desire a sexual relationship with me just based on my appearance or an initial interaction.
The FWBs started off as dates, every one. Either I or they decided we weren't compatible in the long term, but the sex was good so why give it up in the interim? Maybe as part of the cosmic joke I'm apparently a great partner in that respect, but I've never been approached in anticipation of a good sexual experience, only used after such an experience was verified.
Seeing my wife choose men she finds attractive knowing nothing about them purely for the excitement of a potential sexual experience was hard at different times in different ways. Now, it just makes me realize that's never going to be me. It shouldn't matter. I have it way better than most, and it seems like most men will never be approached in this respect. It's just that with all of the compulsive patriarchy, I tricked myself into believing I could be sexually desired (I never thought that I would be sexually successful in an open relationship, but just that at some point in my adult life, I would be desired by someone). More fool me.
The thoughts are intrusive, and I worry that if these thoughts will inhibit me from creating a healthy relationship moving forward if I ever decide to try to do anything other than just focusing on my children and my friends. Sex feels transactional, and I feel emotionally repulsed from full PIV sexual intercourse with my wife, who I am still physically and sexually attracted to.
I have a therapist, I talk about this and many other things. Don't make assumptions about people of course is a key piece of advice. At the same time, being open has taught me to trust people's actions rather than their words.
I have worth, so much worth as a father, friend, family member of various configuration, as a professional in my field, as someone who uses my professional skills pro bono to help people that need it. There is value in my existence. I'm not suicidal. I just, feel so worthless that no one will ever look at me with lust the way I've seen my wife look at other men. Ever. It's silly but I've cried so much over this stupid situation. I hate crying.