So this is my first personal post on any subreddit so I am a little nervous and hopeful that if you read this you guys can offer some advice. Feel free to ask questions too.
I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for 5 years. We met our freshman year of college and have been together ever since. We have had ups and downs but overall it has been an incredibly healthy and happy relationship. It has never been toxic even slightly and our only problem has been that we are very independent which makes long distance a struggle. but I have been having this sinking feeling for about a year. To make reading this easier we are going to call my boyfriend Cam.
So for a bit of context Cam is really sweet and funny, he has this insane ability to make anyone feel instantly accepted and comfortable regardless of their background. He really could talk to a brick wall. This was one of the first things that I liked about him. Cam loves being silly and he really is a go with the flow kind of guy. We are very similar in a lot of ways but I tend to need more structure. I need to feel like I have crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s in order to let go and be present in the moment, otherwise I will be internally panicking about what didn’t get done.
After graduating we both moved back home with our parents and got full time jobs. This is when stuff started to get a little confusing for me. A lot of our friends have been getting engaged and married, many who have been dating for a shorter time period than we have. Now I fully am the person to say “comparison is the thief of joy” and I stand behind that the only issue is it feels like something that makes sense for us and isn’t happening. When we first started dating we completely agreed that we both wanted marriage and children. He is very religious, his whole family is, so this tracked. In the first few years of our relationship if I tried to bring up the idea of marriage or future planning he would say that we are so young and have time to figure it out while maintaining that a future together was the end goal. I wasn’t as bothered by this response because ya, we were really young, but now it feels as though we are clearly in the stage where we should at least move in together. I have tried to talk more about the future with him but he just wouldn’t participate. At first I considered that, maybe he has some plan and he doesn’t want to clue me in. After a few months of getting no reciprocation, I decided to just drop it entirely. No mention of the future unless he brought it up. He never brought it up. Suddenly I had a very serious DV situation happen at home where all of a sudden my home didn’t feel like a safe spot anymore.
Now don’t get me wrong he was very loving with me after it happened but it didn’t feel like actual support. He would always say just let me know what you need but then do nothing. Like yes I need a lot right now but I don’t even know what I need or how to ask. Does that make sense? Moving out started to feel necessary to me but I just couldn’t afford it. I have a full time job, entry level salary, and very new, but with rent prices(and prices of everything in general) I just literally could not afford to move on my own. One night I came to Cam and beared my soul. I let him know that I only needed one thing and it was to get out of my house but I needed his help. I could not afford a one bedroom but I could afford to split rent. He listened, comforted me and said he would look into things and figure something out. I asked about it the following week and he changed the subject. That conversation was 3 months ago and he has not brought it up ever.
After about a month of him not talking about it I just felt crushed. The only thing I ever brought up that I needed, the only thing I ever asked him for and it was just dismissed. He acts like we didn’t even have that conversation. Ever since I have felt like he doesn’t care. He just wants to see me and get to have me act like a wife but never make me one. Honestly y’all I’m tired. Recently I have been dealing with feeling really un attracted to him. To throw in a few more bits of context, I started two new medications that affect my hormone levels and I had started my first big job in the middle of all of this happening. So what to do now? Please give me advice. Do I feel this way because of all of my shit going on, or is it something more? At first it just felt like a classic case of “the girl is ready before the guy” and that was enough to make me feel bad but not enough to end the relationship over. But now with the addition of feeling unsupported and un attracted it feels so much bigger. Was that unfair of me to ask for help in that way? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Or is this actually something worth ending a relationship with the man I thought would be my husband?