Over the years I've struggled to maintain any and all relationships outside of my immediate family. I've always felt empty and alone. And I've always felt in desperately in need of love and affection. I always thought if I could just make a one really good friend or make a group of friends so who loved me as much as I loved them and I could make it last. That It would fix whatever is wrong with me
Sadly, I was rather mistaken in this assertion I held. For the longest time I didn't have A FP or any close relationships In real life. I voluntarily limited my contact with the outside world. I was empty and depressed but I was keeping it together. Then I met her right after new years. She became my bestfriend and FP very quickly. At first it was truly wonderful I was in state of wonderfully bliss. She became my world. But then the anxiety, the dread, the paranoia the fear she would abandon me came even harder.
I started to express those fears and anxieties. I started to trauma dump and say/do these awful manipulative things without intending it. It became too much for her after a while and after an argument we had she blocked me and cut me off.
I realized after this that I am merely a void, a black hole which sucks everything in leaving nothing in its wake. She saw me, she cared about me. She did love me on a deep platonic level and, I did too. But I got what I thought would fix me. However no matter how much love and reassurance she gave it was never enough.
Nothing can repair this blackhole at my core. all it does is suck and drag everyone into the darkness with me until all is lost.