Needing a place to check myself/vent to see if I’m being irrational. Background: my husband’s (DH) father left him around age 2 when his parents divorced. My DH has a half sister that is a year younger than him, and gained a stepmom fairly quickly (apparently his dad was cheating). DH describes his dad as being more passive with their father/son relationship (didn’t show up at ball games as promised, etc.) They did bond over restoring an old car my DH drove in high school. (FIL then hurts DH after he sells the car after he said he could buy it from him but didn’t think he “had the money”— only one of their kids who successfully who owns home, has a job, one spouse and mother to their children). DH moves 3 hours away to college, we meet and get married after 5 years. We get married and his dad, stepmom, and stepmom’s ex inlaws (they were regulars at the holidays) show up late to our reception dinner- there was a lengthy 1.5 hour gap between ceremony for people to commute to reception but this timeframe included a cocktail hour. Minor detail, it just always seems like in laws don’t make much of an effort to prioritize my DH and DH was annoyed during our wedding dinner- it was obvious they were beyond late. We had 3 kids within 4 years and recently added another baby (8 years after our last baby a very wanted addition to our family). We make the trip to announce the pregnancy in person - were met with a “WHAT? I knew because you were getting fat!” then stepmom instantly starts texting her sons ex baby mama, starts to text DHs half sister before I insist on us sharing the news first, her lifelong friend (that she brought one time from another state to meet one of our daughters as a newborn) while I’m sitting there. This reaction bothered me as I’m a very, short petite person and I see her three times a year max and I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it’s a given it alters your body but I was 145 lbs at this point! Baby was IUGR and I started showing two weeks before delivery. And she’s focused on “how she knew“ and focusing on spreading the word (I saw one of the text replies and it just said “HOLY SHIT”) We try to tell as many people in person as it’s our preference and she keeps interrupting to inventory who knows. Stepmom ends up telling husbands bio sister our pregnancy announcement before we did. I feel like the announcing is more gossipy then genuine, and it’s one thing to be excited. (step MILs 13 year old granddaughter had a baby last year and feel like we were gossipy like that instead of DH being only stable, married, monogomous son and wife’s family). FIL texts the next day before he realizes neither one said congratulations in person.
I end up having the baby 9 weeks early, not even 2.5 lbs in between the holidays. I had some major pregnancy and delivery complications, including my first csection and high blood pressure, beginning of liver and kidney failure, second surgery to avoid a hysterectomy due to postpartum hemorrhage on top of my itty bitty extremely growth restricted baby that surprised us early. Sent out a text with details.. which start my FIL’s generic text of ”How u doing”. I had my world turned upside down unprepared (we still had 2 Christmases to celebrate and was admitted to the hospital on Christmas day). I wasn’t able to see my baby for the first 24 hours of her arrival due to my blood pressure. I was on bedrest and had swelling so had in my hands it was painful to move my wrists. My husband sends updates but during our 6 weeks in the NICU, just get these “How u doing” texts. I respond (I was delayed in catching up on texts- my older kids are all in activities that they need transporting to, on top of school, housework, my hubby went back to work, and had a mealtrain 3 dinners a week but still needed to make kid lunches and meals for ourselves along with laundry, pumping, and my husband (who holds insurance) facing a layoff due to his job eventually being outsourced. I respond to these texts a few days late and clearly this upsets my FIL. I give a generic response - “It’s going, juggling all the things right now. Hoping baby makes progress sooner than later” etc. I appreciate the check ins but I can barely meet my basic needs right now let alone others and in the moment in time, are empty in nature because I’m really not okay. I respond to another of these empty texts honestly with a short (not rambling version like this 🤣) how this season of life is challenging then this unexpected arrival is a heavy load. No response. Couple days pass, stepmom rings my phone as I’m doing skin to skin with my baby. It’s quiet and only get to hold my baby once a day, and do not answer. I quickly pump, leave the hospital and it’s 9pm and leave to pick up last kid from practice and tuck other children in bed, and tag team chores with hubby so I can get to bed. Step MIL then calls DH the next day asking why I didn’t answer the phone. Sorry, if our relationship was different but what? Do I really owe someone a response within a certain timeframe when I’m in survivial mode losing half my blood volume, a rough two surgeries, and managing blood pressure? FIL texts that night a few days in all caps H E L L O since it‘s late at night again when I’m catching up on calls. Am i being wrong for not wanting to exert any energy on a historically casual aquaintance like relationship just because your my DH dad who didn’t give a huge effort in DH’s life growing up? I consider myself an easygoing person but honestly not trying to play the victim and do think they care about baby’s wellbeing but I’m irked! The inlaws have only been to 3/29 birthdays of my children (step MIL is off work Th-Sunday) and always wants us to travel to them. We have in the past made daytrips up and back with the kids to visit the 3 hours away, but my kids are excelling in their extracurriculars on the weekend and are currently invested in our childrens interests. I’m feeling the effort not as recirprocated. MIL wanting to come visit and always brings a non blood “grandkid” (her son has 4 different baby mamas) or an adult friend. Their dogs have to tag along and then gets after my dog for being territorial. We are a shoeless household and she says “it’s okay”. When I was pregnant with my first, we were garage saling and they had a cooler. She said I could help myself to a drink then was called a “goody two shoes” because she drank when she was pregnant. Am I wrong for guarding myself and my emotions as I have lots of postpartum hormones and likely trauma from this birth but want to be open minded but they consume a lot of my little energy and don‘t exactly want my preemie baby being to cuddle with smokers who just need to post pics to their facebook and travel back home. (we also dont post pics of our children online and she will post ones we’ve sent her) DH’s half sis texts during this time frame and uses the wrong name of baby (sent out an announcement pic) and sends the wrong gender clothes to our home even after birth. Am I crazy that this low effort consumes my mind? How I’d have loved on their 4 days off (FIL is fully retired) for an offer to come join in the shuffling of kids or keeping up of stuff. But now that we‘re home, the texts are “when are we gunna meet her?“ Call me one sided, selfish but baby’s first outing home from a weeks long NICU stay was splitting the older kids sport schedules. I want to relax, enjoy some baby snuggles after a long day, have a crockpot meal and not be consumed with comments on ”the babys nose!” Id never make comments to someone else that were unkind, especially regarding someones physical appearance (back to calling me fat— I‘m not)
If youve made it this far, congrats! Signed a mama who wants to give a damn but struggling to in a relationship that needs some first aid. I get wanting to get some baby snuggles, but hurts when one thinks they’re entitled to and doesn’t make an effort to send a birthday cards or phone them happy birthday to their grandkid or find out their interests or what they‘re up to. Stepmom also drinks a lot and slipped up one time saying DH has a half brother (his dad then admitted to having a baby in his teens before he met his bio mom) and then chuckled about it like ”yup, things happen” which having this piece of information did nothing but make DH wonder why it needed to be brought up. Husband keeps saying we need to have them down.. but I feel the need to not need to open my heart to hurt.