u/Boudica333

We're only on day 9 of fostering-to-adopt a 4 month old mystery-mix. We have until she's spayed next month to make our final decision. She's our first foster ever, and the first puppy we've cared for on our own as adults. She's a sweet baby, so smart for a puppy, does so good with potty and crate training (I legit thought those parts would be harder). Still, we're struggling to figure out if we're the right match for her. IDK how you know when they're still just a young puppy?

I love the training side of caring for a dog. She is really smart and doing so well over all. The hardest training challenge has been getting her to stop biting people--she's not aggressive, but she thinks it's a game when we say "ouch" and try to end play. I know she isn't malicious, but it still hurts my heart a little, even though it's just puppy behavior. We talked with the shelter coordinator over the weekend, that helped a little, and we'll be talking with a trainer this week, because standing up and calmly walking away hasn't been working yet. I know a little nipping is completely normal for teething puppies, but I worry that I'll fail her.

This is foster-to-adopt. The point is to make sure we're the right fit... but I feel so guilty if we don't go through with the final adoption. I'm working hard to teach her lots of different skills so that, weather she's with us forever or just for a season, she will hopefully benefit from her time with us. I know she might not generalize those skills to other people, but hopefully it still helps her be ready to learn with other people if she isn't meant to be ours... but maybe she is meant to be ours? I worry because I don't know. I worry she would benefit from being in a home with someone who is more certain that yes, this is 100% the puppy for them. Sometimes I see a future with her as a matured adult pupper, hiking or jogging with us. Other times it's hard.

I don't know why I'm questioning the fit so much? We knew she would be a lot of work, but we were so excited when we first brought her home, and on paper she IS the perfect puppy!

How do you know when you're the right match for the dog? Please don't flame me in the comments, I really do feel bad for even questioning.

The Prologue: My husband and I decided in November that we wanted to adopt a dog. From November until March/April we were reading about training, different breeds, etc. We both had dogs as kids. My husband had a Malinois/GSD mix, Jadwiga, until right before we got married (we had to let her go last August due to degenerative myelopathy. She was around 11 or 12 years old and is deeply missed). I grew up with a mini schnauzer who I took over the majority of care for when I was in college/she was a senior. We also frequently dog sit for friends (several pitbulls, a husky, an Australian shepherd, labs, and GSPs). We thought we were ready.

The Plan: We wanted to adopt a younger adult GSD (1-4 years old, sweet spot being 2-3 years). We also thought we’d get a male. At the core, we wanted a handler oriented dog with a steady temperament, a dog who would enjoy learning, but also be able to chill after a jog, hike, or river trip. We searched a few shelters and—although we met some great dogs—we decided not to apply to adopt them because we really wanted to find the best fit. It was hard, but we were strong, until…

The Diversion: Occasionally we’d drop in to the Petsmart Adoption Center near us. I knew we probably wouldn’t find our dog there, they rarely have shepherds, but doing a walk around dogs I know would quickly find homes (most are there less than a week or two before adoption) made me happy and helped relieve stress on bad days. It was my fault we went.

That’s where we saw Molly (name changed to protect the innocent). She is a 4-month-old, female, terrier mix. We didn’t ask to do a meet and greet. We wished her luck, since she didn’t fit what we were looking for... but then we kept thinking about her.

We came back a couple days later, I just wanted to see her again. We had kept our wits about us when we saw puppies before, but something about her was different. Somehow, she hadn’t been adopted yet. My husband wanted to do a meet and greet. I thought "ok, fine, but we won’t adopt her. She‘s cute as heck, but doesn’t fit what we’ve been looking for…” The problem is, she was so sweet, she ran to my husband right away, she cuddled me, tried to eat my hair lol, she wasn't fearful of the stressful environment or the other barking dogs. We agreed to take her as a foster-to-adopt.

A Week in: Molly is not just a terrier—she’s a terrorist. It has only been 6 days, not even a full week, and my husband and I are exhausted every day, night, and morning. We should have expected this—babies like her have baby needs. She is nippy and jumpy when it’s been too long between naps (obviously, that’s just how babies are). It was cute when she first tried to eat my hair, but now I get frustrated because she keeps doing it, no matter how many times I tie it back and/or stop play (again, not her fault, she’s a baby).

She is learning some things fast (ex: sit, we can get "lay down" maybe 65-75% of the time, and she knows "kennel,” though she still cries for a bit when we leave. She hasn’t had any accidents since Wednesday morning🌟!). She is a wonderful puppy!

…But I dread the end of her nap times. It’s so hard to get her to listen and she gets distracted easily (not her fault, she’s just a baby). We can’t take her on jogs yet because she needs her vaccinations and isn't fully grown. We‘ve both started to question if we’re truly "dog people.” The majority of the time I’m stressed. Sometimes, I worry I’ll accidentally teach her bad behaviors (no evidence of that so far, but I can’t help worry).

The Decision Window: We have a month to decide if we’ll adopt her or not. We’re thinking not, but can we truly know after just a week? I want to tell the shelter asap so she can get to her real forever home asap. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just a puppy!

How do I even explain to the foster coordinator? We haven’t been contacted by them yet. I plan to email on Monday to try to explain how we’re feeling, but Idk how to say it.

The Guilt: I feel like a shitbag for taking her when we knew she didn’t fit our wishlist of traits. Yes, we waited until we had read more about dogs, we said no to others who weren’t a good fit, but ultimately we still got her on impulse. It’s our fault. The fact she’s a puppy should have made adoption out of the question, but in the moment we truly thought we could handle her. I should have taken longer to think it over. I should have asked more questions.

This is Foster-to-Adopt, but it feels like we already committed to adopt and are now breaking our promise to this little baby. I feel horrible.

Idk what I want out of this post. I‘m ashamed that we did this. I feel like saying we don’t want to adopt is us failing her, but I don’t think we’re the right people for her, and I want her to find her real forever home. We failed her by taking her home in the first place. I‘m just sad.

Long story short, pretty much everything in my life is on fire and has been for the past 3 years since moving to an desolate area on the other side of the country where I now have no job, no friends nearby, and no family nearby except for my husband. I’ve been unwell. I also had a loved one die of suicide last year, and it’s weighing on me that I’m so far from our family. My husband suggested we get a dog to help—we’ve had them in the past and I thought that was a great idea! Sadly, our landlord disagrees unless we find one under 15lbs and want to add $100/month to our rent.

So… instead, I’m thinking of going back to therapy, but I really don’t want to tell someone everything that’s wrong with me right now. I always start crying, and then I feel anxious because I can’t answer their questions when I cry, and I just haven’t had a good experience with it in the 12ish years I went. My sample size is 2, but I just haven’t had good experiences with therapists, which makes me really not want to try again.

I stopped going 3 years ago when we moved, so I’ve been getting my Zoloft through the 'Hers' app (same dose as I was previously prescribed). I know I shouldn’t go about it that way, so I’m finally going to see a psychiatric nurse in person next month for the first time in 3 years…

I know I should go to therapy, too, but I don’t want to. I know I need to, but I don’t want to. It means I have to deal with everything that’s wrong, and while long term I know that would be better for me, I really, REALLY don’t want to, it’s so much. Plus, I can’t find a therapist for in-person visits, everyone I find only does video calls (I hate those because I always felt my old therapist was distracted when we did them, more so than an in person session)!

I need help getting help. I need help finding the strength to go, even though it’s hard. How do I make myself go and be open minded enough to hopefully make it work?