We've been together for 4 years now and only started having big fights like a year and a half ago. They start over nothing and gradually turn into a real shit show that results in a sleepless night and a talk later on in the evening of the next day. But i think we finally reached the limit. No matter how many times we talked about healthy ways of solving it and what not to do, we still somehow end up in the nastiest place possible. So I was hoping to hear other similar couples' opinion and feedback.
As for the context and details, I ranted to my bf about my job for a while (you know how girls do it-in details). He is fully aware of my situation and how much i want to quit so this time i spilled EVERYTHING. Almost all this time he was on his phone, so i waited, thinking maybe he needed to check it. And all that i got after that was "thats nonsence". So i said "this isnt quite the reaction i expected" with no annoyance or aggression what so ever.
So my bf started to shower me with repetitive questions about it. Such as "what exactly did you want?" I gradually got annoyed and told him that we should just drop it then. He saw me get annoyed and that always triggers him because as he says "you traumatized me and conditioned me to brace for a big fight when i see you that way."
Well, truth is when things get slightly uncomfortable for him, he doesnt act understanding or willing to make things better. He just gets angry that im angry justifying it with various excuses. Such as "you walk in circles when we fight." "I just dont want to fight, thats why i leave." (it triggers me a lot) or "You just want to tell me what i did wrong. you dont actually care what i have to say." Which is not true. But overall it just feels extremely frustrating and painful to talk to him that way. As if every single thing that he does or say is meant to hurt me more. I would maybe consider his point of me "starting fights" (if i have a problem with something-that means im starting a fight in his opinion), but just knowing that he didnt comfort me a single time when i was reaching a point of beluga whale crying throughout all this years, makes me think that the problem here is in his emotional stiffness because even last fight that we had started because i was upset that when i asked him to say something sweet to me after a very long and draining day, he used a very cliche response. Now, it might sound weird to a lot of you because "demanding something like that is not okay." But you have to understand that my bf never told me how special i am or that i do something better than others or anything of that sort (which i did millions of times for him). He is also an aggressive kind so when he doesnt have anything to balance out his rough persona with, I feel desperate. So at this point of course i get upset that i cant even force him to say anything of that sort. We did talk bout it and he said its difficult for him to express himself beyond generic comments on the appearance but nothing ever changes.
And another point is that during the fights he constantly sighs and says "jesus fucking christ. what the fuck." and it upsets me more. Then after some heated back and forth i might start crying and yelling out of utter despair. But to him im just hysterical and "why do i bring myself to such a state?" I never reached this state with anyone else in my life.
So my question is if anyone ever got over it or its a matter of accumulated disrespect and incompatibility.
TLDR; my bf and i are fighting to the point of no return every week and dont know if it can be fixed.