Life is good again
I have my life, things are going well here
You have your life, things are going well there
We are talking, with no pressure, expectations or strings attached
You are okay, I am okay. And that's all that matters.
Thank you for letting things be okay between us.
I love you.
So I guess this was all your plan to fuck my head up right before you leave me hanging and making yourself uncontactable for the forseeable.
I see how it is.
Thanks for this helpless feeling.
Good work.
I'm sat here wasting time when I am supposed to be getting ready to go.
I'm stuck in my head now.
I was fine before you messaged me. I was ready for today.
Now I'm doing this. Again.
Why did you have to message me?
This is why I can't do this with you right now.
It messes me up. Every single time.
I miss you. And I love you. And I want you to be okay.
But I wish you hadn't messaged me.
Ffs.
I don't know why you've messaged me.
All it did was mess with my head.
I was doing okay before, now I'm stuck in my head again.
Are you just lonely or something? Or do you actually miss ME?
I don't have time to think about it all right now. I have 12 weeks left and I have to just get through this without any distractions.
I want things to be okay between us, and hopefully one day they will be. But at the moment, I can't even think about it. I just need to focus on myself right now and these next 12 weeks.
Even after that, I still have another 12 months to just get this done. And I just want to enjoy it and do well and not be confused about what's going on between us.
I want to be your friend. And I do love you. I obviously care about you being safe and okay and happy. But every time you're in my life, I either get hurt, or I feel lost, or I end up making bad decisions and huge mistakes.
You decided to leave. That was your decision. And I am happy for you that you get to live in peace now. But I have decided to do this. I am doing this for me. And I just need to get through it.
I don't want you to think I don't miss you or care about you. But I can't keep thinking about it, and I have to just see this through.
Every time I come to see you or we start speaking again, I start hating my life, and I start overthinking everything, and I lose myself completely.
Our friendship will always be there. I'll always love you. And maybe one day we will figure things out properly and be able to enjoy life together again.
But too much trauma has happened between us for things to go back to the way they were.
So if we are going to move forward in the future, it needs to be because we are both in the right place and mind frame to do that.
And right now, I don't have the capacity or abililty to do that with you. Because it will make me want to stop everything I am doing now. And I can't, I can't do it again. I need to just keep going and get through this. Because if I do it, it means the future will be better for me. Maybe it will be better for both of us. But I can't keep thinking I'm doing this for both of us, I have to just do this for me. That sounds selfish, but it's true, I need this time to focus on myself and do this for me, and then whatever comes out of it in the future, happens, but atleast I won't have lost myself or what I'm doing for myself in the process.
I hope you know I love you. And I hope you understand why I have to do this. And why things have to be this way. I wish I could come to see you, I wish you could come back to see me. But I can't, and you can't.
We can be friends. We can talk. But that's all it can be right now. You have your life out there. I have mine here. And we can't mix the two. Because it doesn't work. You can't have any of my life draining you or reminding you of the past and what we went through and what you left behind. And I can't have any of your life messing with my head and making me want to give up on the life I've got. I just need to get through this. And I will. And one day it will be over. But for now, it's not over, it's what I'm doing, and I just need to do it. It just has to be this way. And I truly believe that once this is all over, everything will be okay. That's what I hope for anyway.
I do miss you though. And whatever happens, I will always love you.