Made so much progress and i’m so angry at myself and my ex!
I haven’t posted here for a little while. I’ve been doing a lot better, i still think about him but work has been so busy it’s helped me not think about him or act on it during the day.
However this past week… I just have so much anger. I’m arguing with him in my head, telling myself i should have left sooner, then reminding myself that if i did we wouldn’t have shared so many experiences together.
I don’t want to hate him. I do hate the side of him that pretends, pretends to be someone he’s not, pretends to not care, wears a mask. I hate how he lead me on after the break up, made it seem like he wanted me back.
I don’t hate the side of him that felt like it was safe enough to open up to me, to be himself, to not feel afraid to feel. the guy who was there for me, who made me smile and laugh, who made me feel safe.
But i’m just so angry, I saw him on someone’s instagram story and i cried. It made me angry. I don’t know why. I’ve been okay. Just seeing his face, seeing him have fun without a care in the world when i’ve spent how ever long fighting myself not to reach out, to beg him to care, going over and over it in my head, the break up, if i was good enough, am i a rebound? maybe i didn’t mean that much. maybe he realised i wasn’t the one and left.
But then i remember he was the one stalking my social media’s, who got defensive about other men speaking to me. How he invited me up to where he will live. How he said he still felt something.
I don’t know what stage of the break up i’m at, i just hope this pain ends soon.
I’m so sick of mourning someone who probably isn’t giving me a second thought. It’s been 7 weeks since we last spoke.
How can he be so okay with never speaking to me again?
Is this normal?