Long backstory: I 43/F have been with my current husband 47/M for 8 years, married for 2. This is the second marriage for both of us. When we first started dating, he had a routine of having his 2 brothers and 1 friend over every Friday night for “guy’s night”. They would hang out in the living room and drink, smoke either cigarettes or other substances (ie: devil’s lettuce) and play video games. During their gaming sessions, which last about 3 hours, there is a significant amount of screaming, swearing, and rude obscenities. When I first started staying over, I would just go straight upstairs on those nights, because the smell of other substances gives me a terrible headache. But, just being in the house, even in another room still caused mild headaches, as the smell traveled upstairs. But, it wasn’t my house, so I really couldn’t say anything. As we got more serious, we decided that me and my kids would move in. Since it would also be my home, I felt it was fair to request that “guy’s nights” be held elsewhere on the nights that my kids would be here. (I share custody with my ex-husband) This caused issues with the guys, who now saw me as a hindrance to their ritual. Two of the guys started occasionally hosting, but eventually their wives put a stop to it. Then, I became the target of their frustrations again, as I was the one whose presence initially caused the disruption in the status quo. My husband finished out a part of the detached garage as the new place for them to hang out. He figured that since it wasn’t in the house, it would be fine for the guys to come over when my kids are here and just stay out in “The Shop”. Around this time, they started getting together on Sundays, as well. It was ok at first, until I realized how much the smell and sound was noticeable from the outside. I again requested to my husband that they make other arrangements for the Friday nights that my kids would be here, and play on Sundays either before my kids came over or after they left. Again, I became their target. Even though the other wives don’t allow them to host at all, and all I wanted was a compromise.
But, here is where I’m really wanting advice. I’ve seen many, many texts from their group chat over the years in which I’m referenced as a b-word, THE b-word, and several other unsavory adjectives. None of the other wives are ever talked about in that manner, just me. I’ve mentioned to my husband how much it hurts that his brothers and friend speak of me so disparaging, but he insists it’s just “guys being guys” and “guy talk”. That they don’t mean anything by it. And that if he were to try and stick up for me, his wife, the guys would just get worse. I’ve been dealing with this for years, but the final straw was last week, when I saw a text from his friend referring to me as “an ugly dude with tits”. While I am far from being gorgeous, I am by most standards attractive. It absolutely gutted me. For clarification, I had done nothing in the weeks leading up to that to provoke their wrath. And yet, they still feel the need to insult and degrade me. Again, when I brought it up to my husband, he dismissed my feelings because it’s just “guy talk”. So, guys of Reddit, please weigh in. Is this truly how guys treat their friend’s wives/girlfreinds/partners?
TL;DR Is it just “guy talk” to insult, name call, and degrade a friend’s wife because she put boundaries on the twice a week “guy time”?