This is sort of long, because this situation in of itself is extremely complex. I have been trying to find resources to use to bring up to my partner when we’re ready again. We both don’t really know where to start. I’m going to try and keep emotions out of it, because I want to try and be just blunt about the biggest issues we’ve identified together. I’ll explain using person
A and person B. Person A will be the person with BPD, Person B will be the person without and the pathological liar. Trying to be objective so bear with me, this is very surface level, does not include a lot of detail, just major points.
Person A and B are in a relationship for 2 years, known each other a total of 6. Person A is in remission the first few months of the relationship and for a long while beforehand, but communicates the entirety of the relationship. Person A slowly deteriorates the improvement due to a main issue. Person A and B cannot communicate because person B does not know how to and person A expects it and is more experienced. Person A tries multiple solutions, but person B changes. Person B starts to ghost, when person A is in a moment of intense need, person B lashes out and calls person A names and neglects them. Person A communicates the hurt and says they understand and offers a new way to handle the situation. Person B at first ignores person A and doubles down. Person A breaks after a year, yells for the first time, tries to set boundaries. At this point person A and B both realize person A has adjusted too much for person B. Person B then reveals lies, wanting to change and feeling guilt. These lies are small in amount, but over the next 10 months, person A starts to question some of the truth in these lies. When Person A accepts and heals from what they find out, and offers new solutions, Person B does what’s asked for a small period before admitting getting comfortable and going backwards in progress. Person A then finds out that the lying was tied to everything, including serial cheating and infidelity. Person B shows remorse and wants to change, but struggles and cannot put Person A’s needs, boundaries, or emotions before their own in any situation. Person B struggles and cannot respect Person A. Person A’s remission is gone, and the lies have gotten so severe and deep for months ongoing that they cannot help but yell and scream because they continuously ask for change and offer solutions that are promised and will not be listened to or considered until it’s multiple times every situation, and even when Person B is attempting to make that change, Person A is no longer responding healthily. Person A is struggling to keep up with the lies and emotionally regulate themselves. Person A is hurt and Person B is trying to fix it but they were never on the same page until Person A was too hurt to really move forward, because everytime they did, there was always something new regarding what they thought they knew and healed from. Person A acknowledges this and Person B acknowledges this and they discuss it a lot. They try new ways. Progress starts to be made, but it is too late. Person A and B inevitably decide that they do love eachother and both care, but they need to break up. They realize mutually that they do care a lot. They realize they did things wrong and it was both and none of their faults, they do not measure the fault, they both realize they need to take accountability and do not hold it over eachother anymore. Person A and B want to take a break to heal, focus on themselves, and then revisit after a few months apart to try again, because they both agree they value eachother and both did things wrong. They both feel like the relationship has worked before and both feel like they are willing to work together to do things right for both of them, and both agree the relationship did not have the right foundation to support what they each needed before the break up.
Objectively, Person B was in the wrong the first year. Person B felt so much guilt they were not honest when trying to improve, and betrayed over a year of trust, and had a cheating problem. Person B did other things that led to them being the abuser to Person A. Objectively, Person A neglected their needs. Person A couldn’t set their foot down fully because they cared so much for Person B and thought they could change themselves and their disorder to be “healthy”. Person A was the problem for not upholding clear boundaries and continuing the cycle that affected themself to regress their progress and in turn became the abuser the second year to person B.
The break feels like a right step forward, but honestly, how can Person A and Person B make it work in a genuinely healthy way? Is it possible for a pathological liar and someone with BPD to find middle ground? Is there a healthy way for them to respect who they are and not change themselves while also balancing any adjustments needed to support eachother? Is there anything they can read or research to mutually work it out after the break where they process the relationship and find themselves again?
I feel overwhelmed trying to type this out, I will add here we are both actively seeking/receiving treatment on our own, but life is interfering with couples counseling right this second and I want some advice from people with experience even if it’s broad. Every resource I’ve found seems to be too one sided and I find that it’s easy to push the blame too much on one side of a two person contributed problem. We both need a little guidance here, our treatment teams have been contradicting each other lol and I just want some additional opinions to consider from somewhat similar experiences to consider and discuss during our debriefs.