So, it's long one I apologise. I need to scream it/vent about it somewhere as nobody to talk to about it.
Here goes...
End of Jan I (32F) went on Snapchat (haven't used it in 2 years) I had this weird feeling I needed to go on. I went on and saw my partner (39M) was showing as online... which is weird because he told me he deleted it a couple years prior, and always maintained he didn't use it/go on it anymore whenever anyone mentioned Snapchat.
So, I confronted him about it and he said "it's on here I don't use, because people tried to book in" so I called BS and said no, it goes green when your active so you're lying. He goes "I'll delete so you don't think I'm doing anything" ... so alarm bells go off in my head.
Fast forward a week, we were out with a friend who'd come over to our town to visit, I waited until he was drunk and passed out asleep, went on his phone re-downloaded it, logged in and there it was. Pictures saved in chat of one of his clients, in her underwear THE DAY AFTER I originally confronted him about Snapchat. So, he'd waited until I'd gone out to get my daughters hair cut to download it again and send dirty snaps...
So, I took pictures of the chat and confronted him in the morning. He initially denied anything, then finally admitted doing the dirty in his studio... they planned it for after one of their tattoo sessions, he bought a condom, locked the door and it happened. I was so angry I punched him (I've never hit anyone before).
I messaged her partner with the screenshots & informed him, messaged her & told her I'd messaged her partner ... but he didn't see my message until later. He then informs me she told him that morning (because I'd found out) and told me she said it happened in June last year.. so I confronted my partner again.. he denied it and I said do not lie to me again.... he admitted it. Twice it happened apparently.
So, I found out the messaging started a year earlier (Feb) and I found out my mums cancer progressed further in June time and she passed away in October.
So whilst I'm caring for my mum, going to appointments, sitting by her bedside holding her hand as she passed, to then grieving ... he was doing this behind my back.
And whilst I was non the wiser, she'd been in the studio when I'd been in, spoke to me as if nothing was happening... brought her kids in... and still had the audacity to carry on, knowing full well what was happening in my life with my mum. I've never wanted to hurt another person, but I really wanted to hurt her.
It's been 2 months since I found out... my partner has removed any trace of her, actually deleted/deactivated his Snapchat account, we've had a few couples counselling sessions and he's having separate counselling & moved his studio.
I've not walked away because I don't know if I can, I still love him .. & even though he hurt me in the worst way, before any of it he's always been caring and supportive.
But, I'm struggling. I just have zero trust, I keep getting intrusive thoughts/flashbacks and I'm miserable. I'm not only grieving my mum, but grieving the relationship I thought I had and I'm struggling to separate them both, as they happened side by side.
I feel like I'm not enough, I feel unwanted and I feel unattractive. I hate looking at myself now.
I'm trying to move past it, but its hard and I feel broken 💔