Hi folks,
Looking for some advice and hopefully perspective.
My boyfriend is a 32 year-old bisexual man, and I’m 27 and non-binary (somewhat transfem, but mostly androgynous). We’ve been together for 3 years and are thinking about moving in together. I love him so much and can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
The issue is that I don’t feel like I really fit into his life, and I’m scared I never will. I don’t think it’s anything he’s done, but I’m having trouble processing these feelings.
His group of friends is all straight men. He and I actually met because his best friend and I are in the same running club. When the friends get together, I don’t really fit in with my boyfriend’s friends or their girlfriends/wives. Apart from his best friend, who I run with once or twice a week, I’ve never gotten close with anyone in the group even though it’s been years.
At the last hangout, they were talking about how my boyfriend gets hit on all the time by women when they go out. (I’ve literally had this happen while sitting next to him at a bar.) His best friend said something to me like “at least you never have to worry about gay guys too bc they never pick up on him.” For context, the group knows that when my bf and I first met, I didn’t catch that he was bi and was flirting with me.
I kinda laughed but I was feeling uncomfortable. Is it really thst unexpected that my boyfriend and I are together? I’m not his first queer experience, but I am his first long term relationship with someone with a penis / someone who’s not a woman. (I guess he’s also my first relationship that isn’t with a gay man).
He also has a pretty corporate, buttoned-up job and says that he doesn’t disclose his sexuality at work. His colleagues know about me, but my name isn’t clearly gendered and so he says he just lets people assume whatever they want. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to share his personal life at work anyway. He’s never taken me to his work’s holiday party. But he’s not closeted to his family or anything and came out in his early 20s. I’ve actually met his parents and little sister and they were all so nice to me.
It’s not that I think he’s not attracted to me. (To be frank, the sex has always been fantastic.) I guess I just have this deep fear that he’ll realize how I don’t fit into his life, and it would be easier with a woman. I know this can be a harmful bisexual stereotype though.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening. Do you think it’s worth it trying to tell him about this? Or is this something I just try to process on my own?