I have friends but none of them are really close to me. I barely see them since they're so involved in their own lives and I'm not really apart of it. Every time I become close to someone it feels like they're actively ruining me. I blame my mom for a big part of me not really having close friends, and it makes me feel guilty. She used to always go through my phone. Every single night and that made it hard to keep close friends because it felt like she had to know everything. Any friendship I formed without my mom knowing drained me to my core. I couldn't handle the constant venting I received or the constant drama. The people I were close to weren't good for me and I just don't know how to put it into words.
I have people I talk to every now and then, but the world feels so distant to me. I feel so lonely and even writing this is making me cry which god it feels so humiliating to cry about not having friends, but what do I even do? I'm not anxious or anything I'm social I love to talk, but it's just so hard to find friends and I want a friend friend. I just want to enjoy my time with someone else. I want to hang out with someone else. I want to share and hear achievements and stories with someone else. I just want a best friend.