How to proceed with parents
How to deal with parents
Salam,
My parents have low EQ. They do not understand or care (idk tbh) when they say certain things in anger or even general why it might hurt someone. Despite if you said the same thing back they would deem it disrespectful. I am currently expecting and in my last trimester.
My mom wanted to go back home to visit her sick dad. Her original flight was cancelled and she wanted to rebook a direct flight. She was stressing my dad out a lot, to the point where he asked me to intervene and talk some sense that if she can wait a couple of weeks before going until the situation calms down. When I went over she was mad my dad called and kept pushing to go. I tried to explain to her there were no flights going out (there weren't as she checked as well) and the fact that its not a safe situation to go in. She got quite upset with me and started taunting me about how my dad had treated me early on in pregnancy (3 months in he threatened to hit me and kick me out of the house because I was upset with him and my mom about my sister being bullied for months and they had not taken action), and compared how her dad was so much better. To be honest it hurt me a lot since I had done so much for her to help her prepare (make sure she had money there, provided and prepared gifts for majority of her side of the family, took time to help her shop for anything, give advice when needed). So her saying that seemed like a slap in the face for all my efforts.
When I called her the day of her flight to ask her why she said what she said (I was hoping to reconcile before she left) she has accused me of elder abuse as I was not letting her go (I just advised her once then I didnt say anything when she pushed back). She also apologized in a mocking tone as if to shut me up and that irrated my husband. Right now she is currently there with her family and siblings. The thing is I spoke with my husband and he thinks we should keep our distance as he doesnt want our child to see or hear anything negative in regards to their treatment. Most of the time they are ok, but I have realized they are pretty selfish people. I know I shouldn't think that about my parents but growing up I have always been their backup plan. My brother is lowkey the one they want to support them (even though he has made his boundaries with them very clear- he avoids them for the most part as he doesnt want to deal with their drama). So when this happens they turn to me.
Neither my mom or dad has called since they left (my mom probably told my dad some twisted version of events as he seems a bit distance and is siding with her - i know if he knew she was talking bad about him he would get angry as he already has a semi-strained relationship with all his kids). Despite this my dad decided to reach out to my husband to ask for his size in cultural clothes. This irrated my husband a lot since they have cause a lot of emotionally stress when they acted up and he was worried it wasn't good for me or the baby.
My mom to me clearly feels no guilt or shame for what she has said or done (at this point I lost hope in her compassion). While she was in my home country she ignored my calls on Eid. I called my aunt and apprently she said my mom was busy. It seemed like she knew something so i asked what my mom told her. She said im a bad daughter because i told my mom her apology was insincere, stated how my mom has a right to beat me, curse or embarass me at any given point in time (i was 6 months pregnant at the time), had told me it was rude to decline my moms call while i was in a meeting with my manager and 2 seniors (i texted her ill call her back and did once my meeting ended), she also mentioned that my mom can treat me however she wants and i shouldnt get emotional shes being like this during preganacy, as i am only pregnant not disable. After this conversation i muted all my aunts and grandma as she told them. She came back from our home country (she told me the wrong date), i didnt go see her or call as she didnt give me any information, i did tell her a week before she was suppose to leave i was busy that weekend with buying some baby stuff and other household tasks. Two days later i got spam called from my aunts and grandma. My brother also called (i only answered his phone) to tell me my mom was mad that i wasnt there to welcome her back.
My brother tried for weeks to get me to go with the promise that she was remorseful of what she did and wanted our relationship to get better. I went to the house she didnt say anything for 30 to 40 minutes and her sister called which she was on the phone with for 1.5 hrs before she had to leave. Before she left she said I dont have a problem with you but I heard you have a problem with me. I did ask her before she left why she felt the need to air her grievances to her family, if she didnt have a problem with me. She lied to my face after praying saying she didnt despite me talking to my aunt and my brother and sister both knowing she told everyone.
I blocked her on all social media except phone call. My husband doesnt want me to talk to my mom/family until after the baby is born (I am now in my 8th month), as he doesnt want more stress ( I started having unsual cramping in my 6th and 7th month due to this and my doctor has told me if this lasts for more than a day -which was my limit so far- I should go to the ER immediately as it is an indication of early labor).
Anyways my main thing is how should I proceed? I am overthinking this a lot its been almost 3 months now since this problem has occurred. I get depressed thinking about this as I have done so much for my parents but their egos are so big at the moment they cannot admit they are wrong nor give me peace. Every positive moment in my life has been ruined by them and their antics. Im on the fence to even tell them when my daughter is born as why ruin that moment.
If anyone has any good advice for me please tell me.
Just a few points to note:
- my mom thinks I will be going to hers before and after the baby is born. My husband and I decided it wont happen as if they cause me stress to this point he doesnt want my mental health to suffer during post partum. (We havent informed them yet of the change in decision as there are a few of my Amanah at theirs that I want to get before starting this conversion)
- my mom has admitted to what she had said (taunting) to both my brother and sister
- my mom has also freely admitted to my husband about how when I was born she expected a boy and how her husband and everyone was disappointed.
- my mom also told my husband that when I was born during her stay with my maternal grandparents, her father told her that she could divorce my dad (due to the stress they cause the family), but she didnt because of me (she always made me feel like it was my fault for being born)
-I live with my in-laws and Alhumdulilah they are nice and much more accommodating to my feelings. Yes sometimes there are minor disagreements (forgetting to put the spoons back in their place, or messily cleaning up) but not to the point where they would threaten to hit me or kick me out or anything of that nature. Even if my mil doesnt help me much post partum, I know she will watch the baby and my husband plans to take time off to help me with anything I need.