Any downsides to it ? And after shutting it down, and later restarting it, would I have to set up everything again ?
Would love some input on this + any ideas to make this setup work, please let me know
All of a sudden my (29M) heart feels heavy because according to her (28F), I was the reason she felt the need to break up. 4 year relationship ended, just like that. My future aspirations with her, the future that I had imagined for us, just taken away from me.
I agree it was my fault, and maybe I deserved this. Before leaving, she vented and said alot of mean things which are still resonating through my ears, some of which hit home while some of which felt baseless and downright terrible.
Sometimes I can't help but feel that I am solely responsible for the breakup. My heart keeps sinking, but there was nothing I could have done to make it happen any differently.
Some context: We had planned marriage a year later, but due to some medical emergency her family started panicking and wanted to see off their only daughter while her mother was still around. During this time, my GF never communicated with me about marraige. I knew my family wouldn't agree considering we were both jobless (still students) at the moment. I even told her and her brother (Who was the only one communicating with me at the time about this). But no one bothered to listen and kept saying "dont worry, itll all work out". Regardless, her father calls my father to talk marriage out of the blue, and my father was caught off guard and sounded rude to them as he said we needed to get settled first. They took this response to their heart. Even I was devastated with my father's response ( thought it was somewhat rude and very unlike of him), but I apologised to her family immediately, and assured them that I will get my father talking again soon. The marriage pressure kept piling up on my shoulders (from their side), while I fought with my family (resented my father), apologised to her family and her and kept re-assuring them. I even convinced my father to talk to them again and call her father (took a couple weeks but by that time she already broke up), but I guess it was too late.
Then one day (a couple weeks later around the time when my father called them), she just left because she was probably tired of my miserable being and my "excuses". She told me she was devastated, tired and exhausted of me, and brought up all the issues that we had during our relationship since day 1. She never once talked about these issues before this time. I was shocked and surprised. She made me question everything that I ever did for her. She said that she was feeling horrible about herself, because marriage was one thing which made her kept doing things, and it was the only thing which could have lifted some burden off her parent's shoulders, and that I am immature and lack patience to understand what marriage means to a girl in an Indian household. Her brother said I didn't take a stand for her, but what else could I have done ? Went to meet her twice in another city, but she was already a stranger by then (and there was mention of another guy) (yes, a new guy just a few weeks after breaking up)
Now I am left all by myself, feeling super guilty, dejected and wondering if was there anything else I could have done differently ? She was my everything, and she loved me very dearly. I can't help but tear up everytime I think about it. I keep blaming myself, and sometimes I hate the sight of my father because I even blame him for it.
Have known each other for 7 years, got into the relationship in 2021, and she broke up in 2026 December. Since the last 2 years, she has been living in a nearby city. Before that, we were together throughout the college.
We planned to marry by the end of 2026 or 2027 start. Everything was fine. She never made it seem that we had any problems. She was very loving till the very end, and then something switched all of a sudden.
I was very much into the relationship as well, but overtime it took a toll on me because she got very dependent on me even for the very basic things. But I never let it show and kept supporting her and being there. Lifted up her spirits everytime she was feeling low. Listening to her rants about her abusive (verbally and physically) family. It was hard not being judgemental towards them, but I tried anyways. By the end of the relationship, I was caught up in alot of medical problems at my home concerning my parents, failed my post graduate exam, and a relative of mine died which had a big impact on my dad (dad's elder brother). While dealing with all of it, I made sure I visited her city to meet her, surprise visits, surprise dates, paid for all of it, surprise gifts when I couldn't visit her. Even though we faught at times, and I was the one, saying things, but I never left her side once and made sure I always had her back.
She was always giving her 100% since the start of the relationship. She sucked at communication, and till the very end of our relationship she gave me a letter saying how I am the best thing that happened to her and how she can't wait to marry me. She taught me alot of things. Earlier life was all about myself, and with her, it became more about others and I liked being this version of me. She showed more trust and belief in me than anyone has ever done till now. She never fought with me during our relationship. Strangely enough, she was always compliant with everything, and it was a big concern for me because I didn't like it. I wanted her to speak up more, and stand up for her more, but I guess she never really understood what it meant then.
One day her mother fell sick. It was about life and death pretty much. Her family was worried and wanted to marry her off for some reason amidst all this chaos. She never communicated about it with me directly, but her brother reached out to me asking about my readiness. We were both jobless at this point, and we both had failed our post graduate exam (now preparing for the next one) which was due in a year. I told my family about it, and while my family understood their urgency, they (and me) felt like there was a huge pressure all of a sudden from her family to rush through everything. Without even talking to me or my family, they decided the engagement ring and the venue and all.
Her dad called my father to talk things and get us engaged, but my father told him that we needed to get a job first and have our own standing. There was no money in my house where we could support another person coming in. Neither were they rich. Despite money being a huuuuuge problem for her family, her father was about to retire, and they had just bought an expensive apartment on loan, and were already paying for a car loan + paying off my GF's study loan + their youngest son was studying in a very expensive school. My parents feared that if I was married into her family, I'd be miserable in no time (I did talk about all this stuff with my GF prior, but she would get super pissy about it saying "you marry into a girls' family and accept them as it is"). Once even talked to her brother about it, and he got super defensive.
While the response my father gave was unexpected even to me (I expected he would agree to sit and talk with her father but it did not happen), as heartbroken I was (that they wouldn't sit and talk), my GF was twice as much devastated. A few days later I called her family and apologised to them from my fathers behalf, I apologised to my GF almost everyday and asked everyone in her family to give me some time to convince my father to atleast sit and talk it out with her parents. Her family seemed fine with it, but my GF was not at all into it as it seemed (this is all she wanted at one point a few days ago). Her brother was a mouthful too during this time.
On the other hand my father was furious because they were being unreasonable about marriage. They said they wanted an engagement now, and they'd get us married later, but knowing her family, that was a lie and if engagement was to happen today, marriage was a certainty in the next two months.
During this period, my GF was being very distant from me. All of a sudden there was a mention of this new guy, whom she said I had nothing to worry about. I apologised to her mother, her brother (who wasn't very kind with his words to me) but I swallowed that pill too. I feel like my GF was only pretending to be happy with me during this time, but was enraged from within. Then one fine day, (around 1 month after the call happened), she broke up and left. Albeit, in a months time, I convinced my dad to call her dad to set up a meet and get talking, but by this time GF was already out of it and didn't care anymore (maybe it was too late).
5 months later, we got in touch again, and she expressed she wanted to fix things again. It didn't work out again. I had severe trust issues with her by now. I was disappointed that she wasn't there by my side when I was convincing my parents for marriage, apologising to her family, and apologising to her everyday. She said I took her for granted, and that she feels disrespected that her father was given that treatment from my family. When I asked about that third guy who was in her life by this time I presumed, she said she did not owe me any apologies and explanations. She said I treated her bad, as if she as my "laborious job" which I had to show up to with no interest of my own. She said I made her life miserable in the last few months (the whole marriage part) and she had to leave because she needed to prioritize her happiness. She said I was too immature and impatient to understand what life was for a female in this country.
While I agree I may not have given her my 100% during the last few months of the relationship. I agree there was a fault with the way my parents communicated with her's but I did fix it by the end of it, but by then she had already left mentally. She just had to trust me. She says I treated her like my "subordinate" as if she was a burden on me, but she never was. If she had been, I wouldn't have worked as hard as I did on us.
With all the health issues my family was going through at the time, I agree that I may have took her for granted at times, but I never failed to express my love in whatever way I could. But I guess by then, it wasn't enough or maybe her expectations were too high.
Going back, ofcourse I'd have done things differently and given her more time, and sat with her and talked more about our future. I should have been more patient with her, listened to her and gave her more room to speak up regardless of how much room she already had.
My question is, to become better as a human for the future, what could I have done more ? For the future relationships that I will have, I want to be the absolute best version of myself, and for that I will need some constructive criticism from you people.
4 year long relationship. Over the last 7 months, we've been through 4 break periods where we went no contact for probably 12 days max.
She broke up with me out of the blue, when our marriage planning went on a little detour, and it burst her fairy tale bubble probably. Since then she treated me like shit, absolute dogshit. Later somehow when I got in touch with her again, I heard about another guy, that I know very little of (she told me herself), and she says was just her "friend" and that nothing happened between them.
She always struggled with creating boundaries in her life. People would approach her, and she would engage with them anytime, anywhere, even when she knew that the person she was talking had feelings for her. It always bothered me. She'd be picking up guys calls on our movie dates, and the same folks said "I love you" to her a few days later, and she panics, and now I need to console her.
Over the last few months, I tried alot of ways to get her back, and a couple months back, I went to meet her and apologized for any wrongs that I might have done. I knew someone had to start setting things right, so I took the initiative and wrote a nice letter and gave it to her in person with a few gifts. She liked it and later said that we can try fixing things.
Since last month she has been saying how I am the only one she wants in her life, and how it was always me. She wants to work things out, but I feel felt like she doesn't show the intent to actually work on them. She has been very aggressive with me, pointing out even the smallest of the things and making a big deal out of it. Kind of understandable since her family is going through some medical emergency, but still. I have severe trust issues with her now, and she is doing absolutely nothing to reassure me except saying I am the only one she wants in her life. My calls still go unanswered most of the times, and texts are responded to very late. On top of it, she hasn't really apologised in the clear or reassured me in any way of the time when she broke up the first time all of a sudden. The only times she says she is guilty is when I am all riled up with how she has been treating me and about to leave.
Couple days ago I decided I had enough, and with a very heavy heart, I decided to leave. Nothing fancy, just a text. She facetimed me, saying she wanted to stop me from leaving, but then she said "why do you look like that" (I was kinda pissed at her, and probably had my poker face on) and then soon followed with "its better if you leave, I won't stop you now" and that was it. She said that I was leaving her at a bad time because of the medical emergency at her home + a big exam of ours is coming up. I won't lie but I've been feeling guilty of this.
I've been missing her very bad since then. It was always me visiting her (it was a long distance relationship since the last 2 years), and for once I'd love to see her come visit me and talk things out, but she won't because she says she doesn't have a means (no car, and public transport is risky). I am riding on nostalgia hard this time around. Even though the writing is on the wall, I do not want to read it because it upsets me. I feel like contacting her again, to see if things can be fixed and reset.
I don't know if I should do it or not, because it is kind of like a loop now. I know when we get back together nothing will change, but I still have this urge to go meet her asap and fix things. It has been 7 months, and the loop keeps on looping with no end in sight.