20 years lost
My (43F) husband (46M) of 20 years has made the choice to entertain women and pay for their naked photos on many dating sites and OF (what I know of). He was also engaging in Chaturbate for a solid good 5 years and spent $$ on tokens, as well as messaging a few women on there.
In the past, I have caught him looking at "regular" porn, buying Playboys, etc. We have had many arguments regarding this and he knew how I felt about this from the start of our relationship. One time, I picked up his phone and he had text a coworker "Do you have any more pics of those b*these with hot as*es", wherein the other guy sent him a pic of 3 women on all fours next to each other with their nude butts out. We got into an argument and he swore he would stop. This was 3 years into our relationship. Then, about 5 years into our relationship, we were in a parking lot and he ran into the store. I picked up his phone to move it, and low and behold, there was porn playing on his phone (woman dressed as a school girl). When he got into the car, I asked him what it was about, threw his phone on the concrete, let him pick it up, and get back in the car. I then proceeded to throw my engagement ring out the moving car and me and the kids went and stayed in a hotel room that night. Of course, he apologized and love bombed me.
Then over the years, I found playboys in my house (where I tore the pages and put them on his bed with a note saying he can sleep with them tonight), photos on his phone, Google searches, girls and pages on his FB, etc. I was done fighting and chose to put it in the back of my head and say, "its just porn every once in a while". I dont know why I was so dumb. I had no job and nothing in my name with 4 children.
(Of course, after finding the playboy, he insisted he was done, but he wasn't).
Then, last April, he left his iPad on and I found his emails to an OF account and his browsing history was just disgusting and full of porn. I confronted him, he messed up, promised he wouldn't do it again. I told him if I found anything like that again "I swear to God" I will divorce you". He said he was lonely and depressed and was trying to get out of his depression. That he doesn't want to lose me, im the love of his life, and this isnt worth him losing me.
Fast forward to this past March ... he left his email open on my computer. He was sending himself Asian porn from X to his email. He all of a sudden was very intrigued by Asian women.
I looked at his X account which was full of porn. He even commented on other women's posts. One was "Damn" and she looked to be in her early 20's.
He said he got hacked, yada, yada. Im not dumb. If he would have gotten hacked, it would have been a lot worse.
Then I went to his FB page. He had it completely locked down to where I couldnt see his friends or anything. He said that I did it ... no I did not! I also let him know that I didnt have his FB password to even do anything like that, and even if I did, why would I do that? Doesn't benefit me any. Then I asked him to see his phone and FB, which he said no and we started arguing bad. Right then, I knew.
Then the rabbit hole happened once I got my PI skills on. He was on numerous dating sites, especially Asian ones, where he was talking to these women and paying them for nude photos. The things he was saying to them broke my heart, completely shattered me. Using our cute pet names with them, calling them sexy and beautiful, mi amor, graphically telling them how he would sex them, etc. He was even messaging them while he was at work telling them he misses them, hope they have a great day, how he wishes he could kiss them, etc. Staying up late, waking early in the morning. They knew his name, age, birth date, and he even sent them pics of himself (not nude). He has been doing this since November 2025 (that I know of).
I found 5 different emails and another OF account under a different email. He was subscribed to 3 women and had a folder titled "Wow". All these girls were in their early to mid 20's and on other porn sites as well.
Also, through the years I kept finding the ass and titty coins throughout my house. I now know what they are, but he claims he never went to those places and swears on it.
He had telegram that he ended up getting after a f*ducking spam text. Like, how easy was this for you? He even gave the girls on the sites his telegram #. But, of course he claims it wasnt like that.
He also claims that he was about to unalive himself, that's why he did what he did, so he could calm his brain. And that he never got off to any of them ... mm-hmm.
I found many apps (flirtini, stripchat), cam sites, phone number apps, etc.
Found many girls he followed on FB that he unfollowed, pages on FB he unfollowed, and he had messages, but I couldnt read them since the user was deleted. The Spam and invites he had in his messages were all cam girl related or sex related.
He was constantly throwing up from December through the end of Feb, could barely get erect, and wasn't into having sex much. Now I know. I thought maybe he was having a little ED due to his age ... but now I know the throwing up and ED was due to what he was doing.
He's now going to therapy and claims he hasn't looked at anything since the beginning of March when I found out. However, he doesn't consider it cheating ... ummm, yes it is and we set those boundaries 20 years ago. When I ask him what he would think if this were reversed, he doesn't answer. It's been tough, with a lot of fights, questioning, lies, love bombing, him saying I cheated (I have been 100000000% faithful and loyal), etc.
He now can get it up for the most part (before all this, we never had issues). It's definitely only when he's in control. If I go on top, nope ... and now he has to help when I give him oral.
I'm just done. When he knew me and the kids needed things, he spent that $ on them. I never ever thought to entertain another person in any way the last 20 years. I loved him.! He is now starting to be the man I have wanted for the last 20 years, but he went too far. Is there a way to go back? Is there a way to trust again? I know he is still lying and not being 100% truthful because he doesn't want to face what he did fully. I dont even know why I'm asking these questions. He's made me believe im crazy, dramatic, and stupid on top of destroying any self worth or self esteem I had. However, through therapy, he is now admitting he did wrong, that it's not my fault, that he is sorry for hurting me the way he did, that he will never do anything to jeopardize our relationship again. I don't believe him fully, but there's a part of me that does. He still won't admit the coins though and still claims the condom I found in his drawer was meant for us that he got from a gas station bathroom.
Sorry I'm all over the place. There's just so much to this!