I don’t know if this is the right sub but I think it might be the closest to it. So this is complicated by the fact that my (trans)bf has just recently realized he’s nonbinary but for the vast majority of our relationship has been him identifying as a man. I also have a very extensive trauma history with sexual violence, primarily from men.
Every man I’ve ever been with has felt off in some way. It’s harder for me to relax and the sexual intimacy is not as easy nor does the attraction feel the same as women. My bf and I started dating our best friend, a girl, and it’s easy with her for me. I don’t tense up with intimacy and it’s easy to just look at her and be in the mood.
With my bf, once I’m into the sex I have a great time but it’s so much harder to get to that point. It doesn’t come as naturally when I touch him. This part is complicated by the fact that while we’ve been together he gained a lot of weight, enough that it’s created a physical difficulty in being intimate.
I am in love with him. I want him as my life partner. The thought of us not being us crushes me. I don’t wish he was a girl but at the same time I know it’d be easier if he was so I do but don’t?. I wouldn’t second guess my attraction and there wouldn’t be hesitation with sex.
As long as I’ve been attracted to anyone I’ve struggled with this. The amount of times I’ve sobbed because I’m afraid of being a lesbian are countless. Every partner I’ve ever had has asked me if I was. But I’m just so confused. I‘ve loved men. I’ve enjoyed sex with men. I’ve had chemistry with men. But it’s not easy the way it is with women- the physical part at least. I don’t think lesbians feel like this. I was finally honest with both himself and myself last night and obviously we’re not doing great. I’m terrified and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to give him the answers he deserves because I’ll never know them myself.