How can I [40m] help my husband [40m] be more supportive of his best friend [40f]?
tl;dr my husband escalates problems between his best friend and her wife, and I want to help him get out of this habit!
I'm a married gay guy. My husband Art's best friend Jen is a married lesbian.
Jen and her wife Kate just moved to the same city as us, and Art is extremely happy. Jen and Kate have two children under 3. Jen and Kate also have a bit of a rocky relationship and the conflicts have been exacerbated by a new baby and this (long planned) move.
Art talks with Jen multiple times a day and hangs out with her a lot, both with and without Kate and the kids. I hang out with them but only occasionally, mostly because my schedule is harder.
Anyway, Art and Jen talk about Jen's relationship issues constantly and Art has what I believe to be a bad habit of yes-anding Jen about everything, to the point that he is clearly escalating conflicts she is having with Kate. I will overhear him on the phone with Jen and it's "WHAT? WHAT? I can NOT believe she would do that! You need to tell her you're going to DIVORCE her!" and it often gets to the point where he is literally yelling at her about how horrible Kate is, essentially egging Jen on, but it is all ultimately reflecting back the stuff Jen is telling him - it's not like he's trying to poison the relationship.
Kate is also in recovery, and Art will say shocking things to Jen about people in recovery being unable to change or grow, which I know he doesn't really mean, but it's like he gets into this weird mood whenever Jen is upset. Their conversations are intensely negative and Art gets to level 10 immediately whenever Jen brings up an issue with Kate.
I don't personally see any of these conflicts play out - whenever we all hang together it's slightly tense but (as I see it) only in the manner of new parents having the conflicts I would expect from new parents. Frankly, I also like Kate. But I don't want to impose my judgment. I mainly just want to help Art ... how do I say this .... not make Jen and Kate's situation worse? Obviously they are responsible for their own relationship but I genuinely don't think Art is playing a positive role.
I will gently suggest this and he almost always agrees with me - yeah, I am being too hard on Kate, yeah I do kind of escalate things - but it's not changing and there seems to be no intention to change.
Is there anything I can do to help Art be a more productive friend/shoulder for Jen? I really worry about Jen and Kate's relationship and how the whole situation is putting Art in such a foul headspace. I just don't know how to be a good partner here!