I'm 22F (cis)and my partner is 25F (mtf transitioning process, estradiol for 3 months, T-blocker 2months, just started bicalumatide). I want biological kids now (we tried last three months and nothing (this cycle I realized I had 3 LH peaks, having used Mira Hormone Tracking first cycle); I've recently realized that I've always wanted to be a mother, even BEFORE I met my partner - 3 months after graduating high school in 2023. I told my partner that it's always been my dream, even before I met them is what I realized, and their response was "no it's not." I'm hurt, but I've read up on mtf transitioning and it can usually be a lot for them.
They dont like me going through their phone at all, even touching it (I only found out they are trans because I went through their phone in December of 2024, right before Christmas, and found explicit messages between someone who they see as a "sister," about sexual acts together). They said they don't care about my feelings on that situation, and that it was an Xbox family for them. It's been almost 2 years and I'm still hurt by it - they said they don't really talk to her anymore, and that she is also in a romantic relationship, and she was just joking. My partner says they are not leaving me no matter what, and I don't want to either. I fell in love with the male version of them, and I'm questioning whether I'm straight or Bi, because I don't want to leave and I want everything to work out; I'm ambivalent, also thankful for their loyalty, because if love isn't there, loyalty and respect are the next best thing in a relationship. I realize this is the sunk cost fallacy a bit, as I've been with them almost 3 years, and we've been living together 2 years; I proposed to them 9 months in, after they were saying they'd propose for months and didn't. Months later, they said the rings were cheap (70-90 for both rings), and they didn't want me to tell anyone we are engaged, and didn't want anyone to know for a bit - after I already told their family; they gave no inclination of not wanting me to tell anyone. They were okay telling their family that they want us both to buy a quadplex and rent it out, before getting married, then a castle. I feel like if someone isn't okay with telling ppl one thing in their life, it goes to multiple things in their life.
I mentioned using a sperm donor, but they immediately shot that down, telling me they see it as me having a child with someone else. I replied, we'll do genetic tests to try to find the most accurate match to you, so our potential child would also look like you too and if it's a bonding issue that they're worried about, then hopefully that will solve it. First they said they wanted kids, then they were on the fence, then didn't want kids, on the fence again, and they aren't ready for kids now.
They only are okay with adoption years down the line, which risks me never having a biological child - one of my dreams. My rebuttal is that the sperm donor immediately signs away their legal rights as a legal parent, only providing the necessary gamete. I just think it is a bit hurtful - just because they want their own kids and can't have them, I feel like they don't want me to have biological kids and have one of my dreams be complete. They said if I get pregnant, I'd be doing all the work and they'd just be there, but I think they'll change because imo who would be okay with not being a part of their child's life? We hardly spend quality time together - they think living together = spending quality time together.
I want to grow something good, other than just plants. I want to raise a child to have an unapologetic sense of self - confidence and independence, in a family where healthy direct communication resides (no yelling whatsoever - my partner and I have never raised our voices at one another), and someone who isn't afraid to make their own decisions. And to be there for them and trust them and not hold them back out of jealousy like my mother did. I've started therapy and I'm in school for Engineering (my partner said I can just watch a yt video on chemistry in place of a collegiate Chem course, which is not good advice at all), and I don't want to have realized something so monumental right before I lose that ability with them.
TL;DR My partner is in the process of mtf transitioning (25), I'm 22f (cis). I want biological kids, they don't. I feel like they just want a companion sometimes.