Im a mother without a child
A letter I will never get to send to my son
Endy, tomorrow is mother's day and it will make 7 mother's days since you cut contact with me. I respect your decision and understand your reasons. With alot of therapy and introspection, I have come to terms with the hurt I caused you. At first I had so much resentment towards you. I was lost in addiction and behaving selfishly.so here goes...
When I looked back at your childhood I saw you with all the things a child would need and more.the newest on trend clothes, own room, violin lessons , I went to speech and debate tournaments, I went to parent teacher nights, open houses, I saved your artwork from kindergarten etc...then you turned 17 and you went out on your own. And congratulations by the way on getting in to med school . Im so proud of you. But when you moved out I was left without my best friend and my only child. I had you at 15 and you were all i had ever known. My life began to spiral. Bad choices in men and finances and as you know I spent 6 years on the streets diving head first into an IV addiction. I got busted over a year ago and ive come so far. But none of it is worth a thing without you in my life. Im doing this for you. Anyway back to my confession...
Material things can't replace affection or attention. Yes I was physically there but mentally I was lost in trauma. That in noway was your fault. But ..oh god here I go, endy I was molested for many years as a little girl and I was so afraid to touch you wrong and have you live with the same guilt I have. And im not saying I would ever purposely hurt you but I was 15 when I had you. The molestation only stopped when I was 13. I was afraid to give you a bath. What if I accidentally made you feel violated. I was afraid to push you on the swings. What if I accidentally touched your butt. And I see now that just because you had fancy shoes and I showed up to school events that me being on painkillers meant that I wasn't really there. It hurts so bad to finally see my mistakes and not be able to ever change the past. I am a mother without a child. And I have to realize that you had every right to go non contact. And you wouldn't be in the wrong to never forgive me. I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I wish you success and a fulfilling life. I hope you have or will meet the love of your life and I know you will be an amazing father...if it hasn't happened already lol I miss you and I love you.
Mom