Hi everyone. I’m in a 7-year loop with a partner who shows every classic sign of BPD, and I’m reaching my absolute limit. I need a reality check because the cognitive dissonance is making me feel like I’m losing my mind.
The History:
We’ve been together for 7 years, but we have broken up and gotten back together 2 or 3 times. Each time is devastating to me mentally. During our last major breakup 3 years ago, she had movers show up and empty the house after givng back our engagement ring while I was literally on the floor crying and begging her to stay. I was so broken that I was attending 6 to 8 Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) meetings a day just to survive the "void." Eventually, we got back together, and I went back into "peace-keeping" mode, after admitting that it was actually my fault and that I was being controlling even though I felt I wasn't being controlling. CoDA meeting taught me I actually did have control patterns that I ended up working on, just not classical control patterns.
The Current Crisis:
I am now at a massive turning point. For the last six months, I have been launching a large-scale business venture involving significant grants and investment partners. This is an opportunity that she originally identified and encouraged, but now that the work is finally becoming a reality, her behavior has become "hell."
The Escalating Sabotage: As I get closer to the goal, she cycles wildly. One night she is the nicest person ever, she acts like a safe space for me. Then, she flips. Tonight, a reporter contacted me for a story on the business, and she turned instantly. Her tone became raging and nasty. She didn't scream, but she used a voice of pure disdain, asking, "Why does it all have to be about you?" and continuing on for minutes about "why do you need so many stories done about you"? She asked "are you going to tell the reporter about your awesome girlfriend who identified the opportunity and encouraged it, you know, the one who you WON'T MARRY?".
The Financial Coercion: She demanded a "finder's fee" for the business opportunity. In my state of high anxiety and "eggshell walking," I actually committed to paying her for the lead.
The Ring Betrayal: A month ago, she gave away her $25,000 engagement ring to her daughter without telling me. When I found out, I was so traumatized and desperate to avoid a fight that I acted against my own interests. I actually proposed a deal where I would cover $15k of the ring's cost, with the other $10k coming out of the "finder's fee" I’m supposed to pay her. I feel like I'm paying a "safety tax" just to keep my life from exploding.
Physical & Confidence Control: Recently, she has started raging at me for doing push-ups and for discussing my interest in starting Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Her whole demeanor and her comments are aimed at a clear fear: that if I get physically better, more confident, and more attractive, I will leave her behind. I feel she wants me to stay small and stagnant so I’m less of a "threat" to her control.
The Diagnosis Shield: A month ago, she self-diagnosed with "Au-BPD." Since then, I have done 30+ hours of research to try to understand her, while she has done zero. She just says she "can't change," using neurodivergence as a permanent excuse for being blunt and cruel.
I’m currently "healing while staying" because I’m terrified of that "mover" trauma happening again while I’m trying to launch this company. I’m having constant anxiety attacks and I feel like a hostage in my own mind.
My questions:
How do you stop the "Fawn" response that makes you offer money or concessions just to stop the rage?
Has anyone else had a partner sabotage your physical health or self-improvement out of fear of you leaving?
How do I protect my business focus when my home base is a financial and emotional war zone?
Am I "anxious attached," or is this a rational response to 7 years of "walking on eggshells"?