So um I have a host of mental illnesses, agoraphobia being probably the most debilitating, I can't keep a job because I can barley go outside. I mean I can sometimes but that also caused me to drink a lot. because it helped w my symptoms and actually I could go outside and do stuff. when I was drinking it got bad. I don't drive I havnt in about ten-11 years me and my girlfriend of 5 years broke up a few months ago and I had to move back in with my dad. so I literally have nothing going for me except I'll love the hell outta you treat you like a princess won't cheat etc. I find ways to make sure there's food on the table, and just enough to occasionally able to spoil her and her kids once n a while, but the drinking was a huge problem (I got down to about 2-3 beers a day like 6-12 months before we broke up but I think the damage was done )and I think it made her really cold, used to be the nicest girl in the world till like year 3.5
I still talk to her we hang out on Saturdays usually. she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship but last Saturday after we got done door dashing she invited me over to her place to stay the night (it was like 5 am) we cuddled together and she asked me if she could "play w it", I said yes and we had a amazing night she refused to have sex and wouldn't go down either nor could I, Im not sure if shes like protecting herself or trying to prove something or if she really doesn't want anything, because Everytime I like start to get over her she calls me (and the time I saw her before that we kinda hooked up too) i want to be w her i love her i love her kids her whole family i miss the life we had, little things like watching wheel of fortune, or taking the kids to the park) and I always wanted kids, but never got around to it. my family fell apart about the same time we got together, and idk it was like I finally had my own little family, and I really tried since I have a hard time working, I'd make dinner, watch the kids all day, do lil side gigs, sell things, do romantic things all the time. I understand she's a grown woman about ten- eleven years my senior w 6 kids but only 2 of them are small but then there's grandkids and her brothers kids it can be like 8 kids at least sometimes so I had my hands full helping them all to school getting school supplies etc. ive panhandled a few times just to get xmas presents and toilet paper she doesn't have a job or a car either (she gets SSA and does door dash to pay rent.) I figured i was pulling my weight. I guess she just wants more like I know she loves me like but I just can't support her the way she needs/deserves. But at the same time if she doesn't want to be together and I can't figure something out (I'm applying for SSA myself atm) I'm working on programming but I guess I'm not as good w computers as I used to be and she broke my old good laptop. I have to learn a whole new operating system now on top of everything she's hot headed we fought a lot she'd hit me kick me out break my shit but I'd always forgive her and take her back Im not sure if shes just like using me? Idk but if I need to move on how am I ever gonna find another girl at 35 when I can't hold a job can't drive and live w my dad. I don't want to move on but idk if this is healthy well I know it's not super healthy I'm pretty used to constant drama I guess almost like I'm a masochist.but she calls me not nearly as much a she used to but like sometimes it's every day and other times she wont talk to me for a week I honestly think she starts to catch feelings again and then distances herself but yea I cant have a relationship with another girl if I still love her thats not fair to anyone. And I don't want to move on if there's a chance I always want to be at least friends and I know Everytime unless I have a gf I'm gonna cave. Idk what to do sorry for the long post believe it or not I shortened it as much as I could