u/BlurredBoundaries

What I really meant:
I miss you.
I don’t resent you.
I’m embarrassed.
I wish we were friends.
I hate how much this affected me.
I still can’t apologize properly.
I am sorry I am too much.
I wanted more.
I wanted less.
I wanted anything but this silence.

But I don’t have the courage to reach for someone who never held on at all.
I don’t have it in me to be rejected again, or worse, to be met with silence that says everything words never could.

So I carry this quietly.
And I’m sorry for being overbearing and too much.
I’m sorry my feelings became something heavy in your life when all I ever wanted was to know you, to keep talking, to stay somewhere in your orbit without making you uncomfortable.

I wanted connection.
Somehow, all I’m left with is distance.

So… hey, goodbye.

I know.
I know I meant nothing to you.
I know I imagined most of it, romanticized one stupid night that meant something to me and built feelings around small conversations, passing moments, little things that were probably ordinary to you but felt bigger to me.

It was so easy to talk to you, about everything. I didn’t have to hide who I was. No joke felt too much… until I felt too much.

I know at the end of it, you didn’t even want me close (I know, not romantically, not even as a friend) and that realization hurt more than your rejection ever did. Because at least rejection is honest. Distance is cruel in quieter ways. So I mirror you.

Months have passed, and I have tried so hard to forget you. To move on. To act normal when our eyes meet, when we end up in the elevator, when life keeps putting you in front of me almost every week like some stupid joke I can’t escape. I’m trying.

I started avoiding you, and then one day I caught myself wondering: Why am I hiding? Why am I shrinking myself because my stupid heart decided to care about someone who never cared back?

And yes, I know, I made you uncomfortable. I hate that I did. I’m sorry, and I’ve felt shitty about it more than you’ll ever know. After that, I tried my best to keep things light, friendly, normal. But the way you looked at me changed. The distance changed. You made space between us like being near me was so disgusting and something you had to manage, and whether you meant to or not, it made me feel small. It hurt deeply.

Because the truth is, I didn’t just want you romantically, I know, shocking, right? I wanted your friendship. I wanted conversations about movies and random nonsense. I liked how smart you are, how brilliant, how unexpectedly weird in exactly the right way. I liked talking to you. I liked who I was when I talked to you.

The moment that changed everything for me was when we walked and talked and forgot the reason we were even there. That was the moment something shifted in me.

And I still miss our conversations.
I still miss you in this quiet, stupid way I can’t fully explain.
I don’t even know why.

Maybe because for a little while, knowing you made my world feel brighter. You made me feel seen. And now every time I see you, I’m reminded that brightness was never mine to keep.

From the girl that cared more than I should have, I’m ashamed that I did (still do), and I still miss something that was real to me even if it was never real to you.