I '15M' and my Girlfriend '15F" had an argument. Need advice. Long story. Includes context
I '15M' and my Girlfriend '15F' are currently in a relationship right now. We met during summer school right before high school started. I personally was involved in a multitude talking stages and a few relationships over the last 3 years. I remember I just got off of my last relationship a few months prior and felt empty and broken. For half my life at that point I knew I was addicted to pornography and had a problem with lust my whole life which I still work on to this point. These past relationships were honestly messy. Main things included lack of communication and problems with lust and surrounding myself with the wrong group led to often messy endings. I honestly didn't know if I even wanted to date anymore. I did maintain some sort of connection with some of my ex talking stages but still at the end I felt really lonely and sort of broken. I didn't really have anyone to go to. Family was dysfunctional during this period and stuff. I felt like I didn't know what to do with my life and didn't know if I could find love anymore. However when I met my girlfriend I felt some sort of love for her. It felt different. Was moving on from middle school and felt I could start high school fresh with her.
Our talking stage was brief and a roller coaster. Honestly part on me being an absolute weirdo in my opinion because of who I surrounded myself with and things I went through. Was pretty messy and horrible "rizz" and cringey and weird pickup lines or actions on me literally almost ended it right there. We decided to date during the start of high school. And it felt good honestly. And honestly it couldn't have been better. The first 3-4 months was amazing. The definition of the honeymoon stage. I honestly experienced my first kiss (yes I know so many girls in the past but no lip kiss? Bruh) homecoming, met her friends which got me back into drumming, and making out and other things (clueless teenagers honestly didnt know ANY better). We really did love each other. Honestly one thing that was on me was I was never open or honest about my past honestly. I felt that I wanted to run away from that past as much as possible and hide from it and not mention it at all for the sake of just not being reminded of it and that I could move on from that and move on and only look forward to her in the future.
It was her first real relationship and I geuss I was considered experienced and with this honestly gave her my all in being a good first experience for her in just treating her good. I honestly was really obsessed with her. Dedicated my whole day to her and just making everything about her. I honestly was blinded by love. I remember we would have marathon calls the whole day and I wouldn't even talk to my family or friends just to be with her.
We then had our first real argument around 3 months in. She really opened up to me and I messed up in not communicating properly and to her it seemed like I was making it all about me and that I need to communicate better and just listen sometimes or if needed distract her by doing things that she likes. After that everything else was good.
However at around the 5-6 month mark things started to really slow down. It really started after valentines day where I got really sick and had COVID. During the week we got bored and honestly she opened up about reading fan fiction and such as I got into it because why not. I remember though I got exposed to NSFW fan fiction and I thought it wouldn't seem like a problem but I honestly felt really just depressed I assume because of my past porn and current lust problems. It just left me feeling I dont know distant and just dull and numb. Same time I also started to just want to be alone all the time. I wanted to just not spend those whole days with her or just be by myself. Some days I aint even wanna be with her. The love was still there but I didnt know what was happening. That was really the trend until I got confronted about how I wasn't putting in the effort. And things got better after that. Honestly I didn't know if I was waning feelings or not but really things switched by around her birthday where something switched in me and I felt really happy with her.
Things felt like we were good and in a solid place after that moment. I started opening up to her more and we started to be more comfortable around each other being in more vulnerable positions and "freaky acts" (not intercourse). There was one time I messed up thought where I went too far and she told me to stop. I did stop right away but I got confronted how that wasn't okay to do and I respected that.
Side story (important for later, my friends)
I met my friend who ill call "F" '15M' and my other friend "W" '15M'. I met F in the beginning of middle school and we became good friends. Later that 1st year we met I got to know more about his political opinions. He is a republican and sided with Trump in the 2016 election because of his parents. Honestly didn't pay much mind to it. It was only brought up again until now when He sided as a MAGA and was a trump supporter.
IMPORTANT: My family and her family are immigrants. My family specifically are republican but hers are democratic.
I had a few political debates with him as I had my own political opinion (Leaning Democratic/Independent) and honestly didn't care too much about it. My cousin who was friends with him also cut him off. Personally me I didn't because I had the mindset that I shouldnt let politics get in the way of our friendship.
I met W in 1st grade. Only detail about him was that he made some really offensive joke about r*pe which I wasn't aware about but yea.
Continuing:
What happened now was that a few days ago we got into an argument because she heard my ex talking smack about me and pointing out how she told a whole different story. Then she found about a few of my exes and I still kept connection with them (nothing between us) and she was hurt by it. She was hurt that I didn't tell her or be more honest about my past.
At this point I just hinestly forgot about it because I just never thought about it and blocked it out of my head but it came back to bite me in the behind.
She was also hurt that I surrounded myself with friends that aren't good because of F's political status and being Pro-ICE/MAGA. She was also hurt at the fact that I was friends with W, someone who made a Joke like that considering she opened up alot about her and her family at this point. She was also hurt because it seemed like I was just there for lust and how she felt betrayed and started second guessing everything. A lot of my flaws were pointed out how that I am really lustful and can let it take over me sometimes and how it seems I never checked up on her and that even after everything I did for her she doesnt even know and shes hurt. She started saying how she is now regretting putting herself in vulnerable positions with me. Really what happened was just that these small things I hid and my past really just came back to bite me. It really was just a combination kr every incident or just everything converging to this talk we had. My main mistake was that immediately after I stayed silent and froze from realizing how much I messed up and she took that as not being grown or mature of me.
Really at this point I already written a follow up and everything and acknowledged my mistakes and everything and decided actions to move forward such as cutting off said people and such. But I honestly don't know anymore. I really messed up and built this relationship on an uneven base and a ton of flaws for my part. It feels like Im starting to just give up in general. We already communicated and how moving forward im gonna have to prove with action to be better. This obviously isnt a one and done thing but really a long process. For the past few days shes been more distant and passive aggressive obviously validated. Im trying to change now rather than never but now it feels that im being drained. She started saying how I should do these silly things like singing for her embarassing me i geuss and how if i didnt we are done. I know im the bad guy in this situation. Honestly I messed up. In general these immature and stupid decisions I made really came back to bite me.
All I really from you guys reading this, the people of reddit, is what should I do next? When should it be when I decide to pull the plug on this whole things? How should I make things right? What should I learn from this?