So I remember as a child i was always into the more guy-ish things. I never actually cared about genders, or the social aspects of it. I wore whatever i wanted, i played with whoever i wanted though it just happened to be a lot more with guys, my mom kinda forced me to play with dolls but I always kicked them away. I had more interests in Pokemon or beyblades. I'd even heard my dad talking to my mom saying "she's always playing with guys". And I thought at that time- it isn't normal?
Now moving onto when I was a 12- I remembered being called a "chakki" (which is an Indian slur used for an insult of hijras- or intersex people, i think?) twice in a single day. The first time i didn't understand what it meant, the second time when someone else called me that everyone was laughing and I thought it was supposed to be an insult. But I didn't look much into it- because at that time I was getting more and more exposed to other swear words lol. And not just that time- I was called the same slur at 17 by my friend- who later apologised.
But I still to this day never understood why I was called such a thing. Maybe at 12 i was super energetic and hyper, and always talking about animes like dragon ball z and super- i don't know the reason. But why was I called such a thing at 17 when I thought I had become 'normal'?
Also, in video games i always had my character be a guy and didn't really care if people in the games addressed me as a guy. Hell, even still when I am talking with people they keep asking if i am REALLY a girl. Like, i don't care lol? I literally don't care what you assume of me. I am fine with anything. I still feel an urge to correct them when they think of me as a guy but then i am like 'nah this doesn't matter'.
Maybe I have gender apathy. I mean, sure, i love being a girl- the makeup and dresses and accessories i get to wear, but that is all i can really see being able to do. I never thought of myself as anything other than a girl or imagined myself being as anything else. I still can't. But I won't really care if I did wake up one day as a guy and had to go on about my day. I feel that doesn't really matter. It never mattered to me anyway. Why do people have to care about the gender of the other person so much anyway? Where is the appreciation of the person for who they are?
I sometimes feel so lost about such constructs, I feel like everyone else was handed a manual about what to do and how to be meanwhile I was sent as clueless as a bird on this planet.
Maybe I am just a tomboy? Or maybe i lie somewhere on the non-binary spectrum? I am really confused. Can anyone relate? Or if they have any idea can they provide some insights?
Much appreciated!! 🎀