Desperate with current family situation/being out (M27)
Hi all! Hope you're all doing good. I'm posting this to ask for advice as I'm in a bit of a crisis with my family right now. I've been out since I was 17, I'm 27 now. My parents are very wealthy, and they kicked me out/sent me to a different country to "study" to cover it up (I'm from Brazil, they sent me to Canada, and I also went along with it to escape because I was young and wanted a quick fix). After that, things only got worse because they are very controlling and wanted me to pursue the career/interests they wanted and I did (out of guilt). So I ended up going to France and doing a master's at a top school there to compensate for being gay, deep down thinking that maybe then they would love me. Last year, I said enough is enough, and I came back to Brazil to pursue the career I've always wanted here, which is to be a teacher/university prof. Even though that's made me really happy, it's getting increasingly harder to be around my family because I can't talk about ANY of my interests (like music, sports I like, bands, hobbies, etc) or show any signs that I'm gay without them having a meltdown. The rest of my extended family is also super wealthy, catholic, and conservative.
Me and my dad just had a big argument, and I don't know what to do anymore. It's not as simple as cutting them off because I would still have to deal with all the internalized rejection and trauma they've caused me. I also feel really insecure and have low self-esteem because my father has somehow convinced me that I'm not good enough (even though I moved abroad at 16, got into Canada's top uni, and then France's top uni).
This has always been really really bad; when they started noticing some mannerisms and lack of interest in girls when I was a pre-teen, they even injected hormones into my body (in a weird Frankenstein way because my dad is a doctor) and were always talking about my "testosterone levels".
People keep saying that things get better and to give them time, but it's been 10 years since I told them (and many more since they knew), and I feel like as I get older and stand my ground more, things only get worse.