My mom's Relief Society president told her to stop asking the ward for help and start asking her own kids. I am absolutely feral right now and need advice before I do something stupid.
Apologies in advance for any weird formatting. I'm posting on mobile and will likely need to fix.
Some background, because context matters here.
I'm exmo, one of nine kids from a generationally Mormon family. Not just like, parents-went-to-church Mormon. We are talking sealed-for-time-and-all-eternity, pioneer-stock, the-church-is-everything Mormon. My mom still lives in the same house she's been in since the 1970s. Same neighborhood. Same ward. Many of the same neighbors. My dad was the ward clerk for over 25 years before cancer took him in 2016. These are true believing, all in, this-is-the-one-true-church people. My mom still believes every single word of it and I genuinely respect that it's real to her, even if I want to flip a table about the institution itself.
Of the nine of us, I am the only one who is fully out. A couple of siblings are PIMO but they play it close to the vest and still talk to my mom like they're fully active. As far as my family is concerned I am the lone black sheep apostate, which is its own fun situation I won't get into today.
We all grew up and scattered like you do. Some siblings moved states away. Some are an hour or more out. Two of my sisters still live at home with my mom. One of them is moderately autistic and can't drive. The other has a job but helps my mom with most day to day stuff. I am 1,200 miles away.
My mom is in her late 70s and has had a string of health issues lately, which is honestly not shocking given she raised nine kids, buried her husband, and has never really prioritized her own health. She's had a number of procedures and appointments where she's been told not to drive herself. My at-home sister handles most of this. Sometimes nearby siblings fill in. And occasionally, when nobody is available, my mom has asked someone from her ward for a ride.
A ride. Not money. Not groceries. Not a meal train. A ride to the doctor.
She has a procedure coming up on a Friday morning that falls right in the last two weeks of the school year. My sister who lives at home works at a school. Several of my nearby siblings work in schools or have kids in school. If you're not from Utah, let me paint you a picture: you are in the deep heart of Mormon suburban mecca, and in the last two weeks of the school year, you do not take time off. You just don't. It is not done. So everyone was scrambling. I looked into flying in and honestly it's just not feasible financially or logistically, and I shouldn't have to book a flight to take my mom to a back procedure when she has a ward full of people who supposedly live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
We did eventually figure it out. My at-home sister can make it work, and a lifelong family friend offered to step up if needed. Crisis averted.
Or so I thought. Then I talked to my little sister yesterday and I have been absolutely unhinged ever since.
Let me tell you about Susan. Susan has been my mom's next door neighbor for decades. Susan has never liked our family. We were big and loud and not as financially comfortable as Susan's family. Our house was never parade-of-homes beautiful and that genuinely offended Susan at a deep personal level apparently. She always looked down on us. She always played nice to your face while absolutely despising my mom behind her back. She has four daughters who all live about 15 minutes from her, which Susan has never once been subtle about being smug about. She is a 70-something-year-old mean girl who has spent decades perfecting the art of polite cruelty, and she has always, always hated my mom.
Susan is the ward Relief Society president.
And Susan, using that calling like a personal weapon, told my mom that she "needs to stop asking the ward for help and start asking her own kids."
I saw actual fire when I heard this. My mom, who has paid her full 10% tithing her entire life, and still does on a retired widow's income. My mom, who has given decades of her life to this church and this community. My mom, who asks for a ride to the doctor maybe a handful of times a year, was told by her spiteful next door neighbor with a church title to stop burdening the ward.
The audacity of this woman. The sheer, breathtaking, Christlike audacity.
My instincts right now are to call Susan directly and absolutely lose it on her. Or to go straight to the bishop and make this his problem. How is this the gospel in action? How is telling a sick elderly widow to kick rocks representative of anything Jesus supposedly taught? But I also know how these communities work. My mom still has to live next door to Susan. She still has to sit in the same meetings as Susan. She still believes in this church with her whole heart and I do not want to blow up her life in the ward she's been part of for 50 years just because I finally have an excuse to say what I've always thought about Susan.
So I'm coming here before I do something I can't take back. What would you do? Has anyone dealt with a situation like this where a calling gets used as a personal grudge weapon? How do I protect my mom without making her daily life worse? Do I go to Susan, the bishop, or stake president, or just vent and let it go?