u/Blender-256

So for context me and my bf started dating in August of 2025 M18, F18, we meet on a dating app and we just clicked and hung out constantly till he asked me out 2 weeks in. Fast forward to 8 months in, I take full responsibility but I wasn’t truthfully about my body count I told him I had 2 bodies isn’t of a complete 4. It did brake trust in the relationship he even almost broke up with me but he did not and wanted to work through it and I am very grateful he did. He did ask the basic questions but soon enough he was asking for size and how much was I turned on. I do want to say that all my past relationships have not been the best. My first relationship was a on and off of 3 years with a girl the second one was with a guy between my on and off relationship, the second one didn’t last because he would explicitly talk about me in bed with him making me feel not the best about myself because now I had to go to school with these guys knowing me when I was most vulnerable. I will also add that I was friends with this guy and I liked his personality so I started dating him because of it but when it came down to doing it, I would force myself to do it because he was my partner. It did lead to a lot of discomfort, even carpet burn and bleeding regardless of me telling him to stop multiple times and once he did but he just put a new condom on and forced me back under him I remember crying in the shower a couple times bc of it. The 3rd bf couldn’t get it up and I honestly couldn’t feel him other than the condom and I again forced myself into doing it with him. We later broke up because he left me on delivered for 2 weeks because he could handle family issues and have a relationship at the same time. The 4th one was a situation ship he made me believe we were gonna have something got me high and couldn’t make a choice because of it. Then I got busy with my graduation and didn’t have time to really text him but when I got time he ghosted me. Then 2 months later I met my bf. Back to the other thing after a shit tone of background, today my bf told me he couldn’t figure out why I had done it with the last guy, then went to our relationship then said you doing it expecting something in return (to be loved) for sex doesn’t sound good at all and he said you know what I mean. I obviously knew what he meant and I never thought about it in that way, I’ve been in love with the idea of finally having someone who would listen to me, care for me, and just love me and grow together but never got it in return.
Also my bf has been everything I’ve hoped for and has done way more than bare minimum for me.
I have more to say but have run out of free time. I would appreciate guidance.