u/Blandwheatproduct_48

I'm 14M, having really bad issues with gross sexual thoughts about little children and family. I'm always disgusted with the thoughts I'm having, almost always physically recoiling at the thought. I don't know if I feel genuine attraction to my family and little children or if they're just thoughts. I'm just so repulsed by the thoughts I'm having, bc I know that they're gross, and they feel gross, but I keep having them, and I don't know how to stop.

I've come to realize that I can't help but want toxicity. Especially in my relationship with my girlfriend. I don't know if this has stemmed from somewhere, or if it's some sort of disorder or whatever. I'm honestly just disgusted at myself for this, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel bored when my relationship is normal and like something is missing. I only really feel alive, comforted, and safe when I'm in danger or being treated like shit. It does make me upset in the moment, but I realize that I really do enjoy it for some reason. I feel sick at myself because I know that it's morally wrong to want to be treated like that and that it's, again, just gross. Sometimes, I'll find myself trying to subconsciously cause a problem, and when I realize it, I stop, but it's hard. I really really like my girlfriend, but I find that I want her to treat me like shit. When it's other people being abused and mistreated, I get furious and upset for them, but for some reason, I like it when it's me. I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because it's embarrassing, and I don't want them to look at my differently, even if they don't leave or something. Please don't go in the comments and be mean about it, because the whole reason I'm posting this is so that I can try to stop this, or at least find out why. I'm having a hard time simply writing this. Please, help me.