Left alone too much as a kid, struggling with life as an adult
Trigger wanring-- Parental drug use, and SA (idk how these warnings work)
(This is a long read, I kinda just kept going so my bad and im sorry)
So I just turned 30(m) and I've been struggling a lot in the last few years with a lot of issues. My wife tried to dig into why I never want to plan events, or have opinions of things, self-reflect, why I put others before myself, think of myself as less important and the things I "want" as un-needed. I will go out of my way to make things happen for her and my 3 daughters (ex. Cheer camps, vacations, anything they ask for), but if I want a new computer chair, I will not say anything and just deal with it even if it would only cost $25 for a used one. Id rather "suffer in silence" then to ask and get things for myself. That money or attention can be put towards the kids or the wife and I can be the back burner. We aren't terribly poor to where we struggle with paying bills, but for the most part are still able to eat out every so often or go on a trip every year.
I started talking about being left alone a lot when I was a kid, and looking into that- turns out is a source of a lot of my issues. When I was in 1st grade, my dad went to prison and my mom moved out of state. I lived with my grandparents and they would be gone in the mornings, and gone until dinner time. So I would wake myself up, get ready for the day, and if grandma didnt make me lunch, id make it myself. Id get on the bus and do school, come home, and hangout for probably 2-4 hours a day. Grandparents would come home and we would just kinda do our thing. I remember making myself snacks, watching TV and just kinda wandering around. We lived in the country, and my great-grandpa lived next door so I wasn't completely isolated, but its not like id go over there or that hed come over to check on me.
Cut to 2nd grade and moving forward with my life, I moved. A lot. By the time I graduated highschool, I had attended 13 different schools and constantly transferred. I repeated classes a few times because the credits would never transfer even.
Before my dad went to prison and afterwords, my mom tried to do what she thought was right and make sure I would get to see him maybe once every month or two, or during breaks. When I would go to my dad's, he was addicted to meth. So I would travel across town all the time with him and see horrible houses and unkempt places and things. Hoarding, kids running around dirty with only underwear on, complaining about being hungry. I was never in danger in a sense of physical or anything like that, but I usually got left alone in the car for what seemed like hours, or id be left alone in a strange trailer or hoarded house with random strangers while dad was in the back "having a talk". This was all when I was in elementary school. So all of this happened between 1st-4th grade. 4th grade came by and dad dropped me off and left a Crack pipe in the bathroom and my mom freaked out and didnt let him see us for a long time. He went back to prison later on.
Moving forward with my mom, we moved a lot. Whether it be job opportunities, or she stopped paying the rent and we had to leave. One school year I believe I went to 3 different schools. So with that, I was alone a lot aswell because its hard to make friends in a new school when your moving every 6 months or once a year. I had my Xbox, and my gameboy and I was just content. I had my sister that lived with my mom for most the time, but she and I never got along so we always stayed separated. I never knew where I would be in the next year, let alone in the next few months. So the un-predictability was hard.
I remember as a child I would cry myself to sleep because I would miss my dad, miss my mom, miss my family and that I was desperate and alone. I remember I had this random Tim McGraw song that would come on and it would remind me of how alone I was and I was actually told im not allowed to listen to it because I would breakdown so badly. As I got into middle school, things got a little better, but I still remember reading books in school that would have "happy endings" and i would cry myself to sleep knowing that id never get to experience the gift of someone accepting me and taking me in, or just loving me. I just figured they were all fairy tales and those things are just stories. No one actually cares enough about anyone that they'd actually go out of their way to take care or protect someone, right?
By freshman year, my mom and step-dad got into a huge argument about a possible SA he committed on her, and she shut down. She dropped me off at my aunts house 10 hours south, and my sister 6 hours west. We both went to separate aunts and just kinda moved there. She went MIA for 6-8 months and missed Christmas, my birthday, and a few other events. I eventually moved to another aunts house, and then finally to my dad's around sophomore year. He got clean for a while since he had me back and had a reason to. I had a lot of pent up aggression and depression because I was essentially dropped off and abandoned by my mom. Obviously what she went through was traumatic, but I found out what actually happened just a year ago.
I spoke with my step-dad and asked him what really happened back then. He says he was blamed, charged, and put it to jail for something he never did. He stayed in jail for about 1 week and then released after there was no evidence of a crime. Then he said my mom had received a huge payout from a settlement she was waiting on and went off the wall when she got it. That's when she dropped myself and my sister off and disappeared off the map.
That last part isnt really any if my issues, but it just shows even more that I will never truly know what happened. Why my mom decided to leave my sister and myself behind, and separated in two different states with family we had never met or barely knew.
I dont really know where im going with this. Ive had an insane life and Im sure I need therapy. After I graduated, I moved out the next week. I met my now wife 6 months later, and we will have our 12 year anniversary in 4 months, 5 years married. We have one daughter together, and she had 2 daughters when I met her. They're all great kids and I couldn't ask for a better family. I just want to be better for them and constantly worried im not good enough or providing enough. I have a good paying job now, and can provide well enough for them. I never want them to know what type of life I had as a kid and I try my best to keep things clean for them. I experience a lot of horrible houses and kids suffering and my kids dont even know a concept of what thats like, so im proud of that. I guess I have that going.
I believe a lot of my issues i have are related to being alone so much and not being put as a priority. Whether it be raising myself and self supporting at such a young age, or waking up alone because my dad is gone doing his "talks". I was never put in a place to be asked what I wanted and was always on the back burner when it came myself and my sister. She got most of all the attention, so I just stayed in the back and got the pieces left. I was weird and awkward and I still dont know how to relate or talk with people sometimes. Ive gotten a lot better as an adult and have always been way more mature for my age. As said earlier, I took the role of a step dad to a 1 & 3 year old at 18.
Through the ups and downs of growing up, I dont think if change any of it. Im happy with the life ive made and ive separated myself from the life I had and experienced, but it still comes back to lurk and its hard to deal with and explain when I never knew the actual source. Im going to use this information and look into getting some type of specialized therapist, but I have no idea where to start with that. Im just glad im finally getting some clarity at this point.