u/Bitter_Foundation711

I (21M) have Asperger's syndrome. I just want to say things I've never really been able to say to anyone, to people who actually understand. Maybe it will help someone to hear this as well, know their experience isnt so unusual. It's a long read, thanks in advance to anyone who reads and shares their own experiences.

I was diagnosed when I was 4. At the time it was common practice to diagnose it individually, instead of simply disgnosing ASD. I still tell people I have Asperger's instead of saying ASD because I feel many people kind of have this idea in their head of what someone with autism is so they might plant stereotypes in their head and make assumptions about me. But people who know what aspergers is likely know someone with it and therefore have a better idea. If they dont know, it allows me to give the simple explanation that makes them realise I'm not that much different. Sometimes I google Asperger's/Autism to see what it shows when someone does research on their own. Some of the questions that pop up make me feel sad. "Do people with autism/asperger's empathise? Do they have feelings? Can they love?". It reinforces my worry that I appear robotic outwardly.

In my early childhood, I didn't know about it. My mom kept it a secret from me. Nobody else in the family knew. I had a sister about, a year younger and an older brother about, 2 years older. Socially, I always struggled and I couldn't figure out why. I am a social guy, I really do enjoy spending time with others. My interests are very specific; it's not very easy to connect over entomology or roller coaster engineering. But although I was always inserting myself in the situations I wanted to be in, I just couldn't seem to make friends. I wasn't shy or anything, infact I may have been a little *too* outgoing. I played football and basketball at recess with the same group of kids every day, but I couldn't seem to befriend them. They never seemed to take me seriously, but still every day I tried to initiate. But I sometimes would just straight up blow it. I remember an instance where I got invited to a friend's birthday party, and I was super excited to go, but during the party I had a meltdown after getting excluded from a game. After that, that kid never invited me to anything else again. The friends I usually did make and kept were usually autistic or bipolar, or a learning disability, people who didn't function from social cues or body language. Their social wiring was always different then mine though. I wanted to have an emotional connection, but those friendships usually stopped at playing video games or watching anime. They werent much interested in my life or telling me whats happening in theres. Though to be fair maybe it didnt go much past video games and anime. Since I am on the higher functioning end of the spectrum, its a weird spot of wanting more than simply just playing video games, but also not knowing how to make those sorts of friends. In my mind I dumbed it down to "not nerdy enough for the nerds, not sport enough for the jocks".

In my family life, my older brother was my best friend as a child. He didnt understand me but that never bothered him from enjoying my company. Maybe the only person I felt like I could truly be myself around. He was my confidant, he played football with me and games created with just our imagination, which I much needed. Sometimes I would just sit with him and watch him play video games. I had a special interest in sports stats, so I commentated his Madden games and brought up stats the way a real announcer would which was a huge step up from repetitive announcer with preset calls. Simple stuff like that I enjoyed. My sister and I never seemed to be on the same wavelength. We bickered alot like kids, but as we grew older she would constantly make me feel the shame of not being as good of a brother as my oldest. Not just implying it, but telling me directly. She made me feel bad about being smart. School, especially math came very easy to me and made me feel the guilt of "having it easy". I tried my best to show her affection in my own way. That would come in the form of simple gestures, like sleeping on her bedroom floor instead of my bed to "protect" her from moths when she got scared, or just watching a movie with her. Neither of us really understood the other and it bothered her. My mom tried her best, but she misunderstood me the most despite being the only one who knew Im an aspie. She read about struggles to deal with body language so she decided to teach me emotions. She would show me pictures. Smiling means happy! Frowning means sad. This is what anger looks like. It was well-meaning but also confusing to me. I know what emotions are, why is she showing me? I couldn't communicate it at the time because I didnt know that most people had a better understanding of body language. I knew emotions, I just struggle to read the subtle tells in body language that lets most people know when someone is relaxed, tense, attentive, uninterested. The tells that come naturally to most people. But its hardly something that can be taught, it doesnt look the same on everyone. Or the misunderstanding that I hate loud noises. Sure, I hate random loud noises but no more than the average noise. I am much more bothered when there are too many different sources of noise overlapping, and it sounds like pure chaos. I also would go deep into talking about my interests. Entomology, roller coasters, computers. She would usually just tell me "It all just sounds like gibberish* so I stopped. Nobody usually liked to hear my ramblings. To this day, I sometimes feel embarrassed when I talk about those types of interests because I always made to feel so weird for liking those things. My Dad was minimally involved in my and my siblings life as a kid but he understood me better than anyone. He understood the way I think and the time we spent together was often spent solving problems, whether it was equipment, tech, or something else. This seemed to bother everyone else who would end up not really talking to my Dad due to his distance.

School was difficult. Not because it was hard for me to understand, but because it was way too easy. People often say "well if its too easy just do it". Here's the best way I've heard it be explained. Imagine you're learning the alphabet in kindergarten. Imagine you're still learning the alphabet in grade 3. It would drive you to boredom and frustration, right? In math, I always understood everything after lookijg at it once. Explain long division to me once, I dont need a 2nd look. So when I learn an entire 2 week lesson plan in a few minutes, those 2 weeks drive me to boredom because its all simply too easy. I didn't want to do my homework because I already knew all of it, I didnt need the practice. And I would prove it every time by getting 100% on my tests and quizzes without trying. This cause my teachers to dislike me. They saw a kid who was gifted but too lazy to do anything with it, but none of them ever offered me any real challenge. Once I got into middle school and hat a laptop I would often go onto scratch. It was educational, challenging, and made learning fun. But that got shut down very quick, and it was back to 2 weeks of lessons and practice that I understood in a day. A couple of times, teachers gave me a 0 on my test because they assumed I was cheating since I didnt do my homework and didnt pay attention in class. How does a kid be the only one to get 100 if he is cheating? How does he know which questions 1 student got wrong and know that the other got it right? When I "showed my work" the page was sloppy, the math problems would fill the pages in ways that made absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Teachers disliked me because they didnt understand me.

Once I was 12 or 13, I learned about my aspergers through a teacher accidentally telling me, not really knowing that it was supposed to be a secret. Naturally I looked more into aspergers and autism to see what it is. A lot of things made more sense. And thats when I realised all of my childhood friends were autistic, they all had much clearer signs than I did. But again, I wanted to have friends I could take with me to theme parks, who I could play basketball with. At this age, my brother also started to outgrow me too. Going into high school he wanted to do what all the other high schoolers were doing too. But it left me without the person I hang out with. I tried to make friends in middle school and high but this time I was more aware of how bizaare I came off. I tried my best to seem normal. It took a lot of focus but I dropped the habit of flapping my hands. I practiced looking normal when I walk after seeing hkw unbalanced I look when I walk. Learned to keep my arms at my side rather than do "t rex arms". Learned to speak in a higher register with more inflection. And the absolute hardest, which I still struggle with, the consistent eye contact. But learning how to not make them uncomfortable. Most people wouldn't understand the effort. "Okay, make eye contact with them...wait 4 or 5 seconds then naturally look away so they dont get uncomfortable, then look back at them and hold eye contact again...shoot...what were they saying while I was thinking about this?". For most non autistic people, they dont have to think about it, its just natural. And thats what people dont get. Its not as simple as just "putting myself out there and being myself". I have to put so much effort just into not weirding people out. Putting alot of thought into my expressions is exhausting, but if I dont I'll probably have an "uncanny valley" look to me with "dead eyes". It can creep people out when I only have good intent in my heart. I also dont pick up on many subtle references. Often referring to sex. Sometimes I say something unintentionally sexual and dont realise, or someone else will say it and I dont pick up on it. This has led to accusations of me acting "too innocent". No. I just take things literally sometimes. I take someone talking about putting something in a hole and my mind visualises it literally, not sexually. Doesn't mean Im pretending that I dont know what sex is.

Dating is an absolute nightmare. I am actually pretty good looking and always have been. I know because attractive girls have asked to hang out with me or for my number on 2 or 3 occassions. But it hurts because the more time I spent with them, I could see the interest fading. I never understood what I was doing wrong. Was my personality lame? I wasn't flirty enough? Did I spend too much time listening? Did I just creep them out? Was it the fact that I grew too attached too quickly? Took things too slow until they lost interest? Was it that I'm skinny and weak due to poor coordination and muscle tone deficiency? Were they just looking for a hook-up and I'm taking too long to get there? (I'm not interested in hook-ups) It could be any of those things. I recently met a girl I worked with who seemed awesome. She wasnt a very expressive person, and she was always very sweet to me. Everything felt so natural, maybe the first time I felt it. She mentioned her boyfriend often which kind of stung, but she talked about him so sweetly. The only thing she would say that didnt make this guy seem perfect is that he never wanted to go do the things she wanted to do, like go on hikes or listen to metal music with her. I thought to myself, "If I was him I would always make sure she could share the thing she loves with me". But I felt like that was a bit of possessive thinking. But then I met him (he is also my coworker) when I moved to his department. He is not the guy she described, he talks about her as if she's a drag on his life, constantly bothered saying "I have to do this with her tonight". He seems to be unable to form a sentence without swearing, using "fucking" as if its a comma, has no talents or interests outside of video games, is pretty lazy, his car is a complete pit (he drove me in it last week and my feet couldnt even touch the dashboard because there was so much stuff), he is a drug user, and I dont see how a girl could find a guy like him attractive. It makes me wonder, why are guys like that winning? I've been told all my life that girls avoid guys like him and go for men with hearts like mine. Have I just had terrible luck or is it something in the way I present myself? I've come to the conclusipn that it takes a very specific type of girl to enjoy my presence, one that I'm not sure how to find. I've been told to try to find myself an autistic girlfriend. I would love that, but they are not near as common as autistic men. And if I do meet one, I would still want many things that you get from a traditional relationship. I want physical touch, I want to fall asleep in each other's arms, I want to be able to do my favorite things together like go to theme parks or concerts, stuff that I do alone and dream about getting to do with my girlfriend. And that is very hard to find an autistic person who would love doing those things. All of that plus finding them physically attractive is a combination of those things.

Nowadays, now that my family have all moved on to different things, moving away or just being distant, I find myself lonelier than ever. And I dont know what to do.

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