It’s a really long one (sorry!) so TLDR below.
TLDR: I haven’t spoken to my dad since the day after my legal wedding ceremony last year (26th September), and am wondering if anything should change given big life milestones approaching e.g. having my own children.
For context, my (30F) dad (60M) cheated on my mum multiple times when me and my brother were very young, which eventually led to their divorce when I was 14 (16 years ago). My dad left the family home, completely ruined my mum’s mental health where I essentially had to take care of her for over a year, and then he married the last woman that he cheated on my mum with and they have now been married for 10 years. My dad was also very abusive and horrible to my mum, while she was trying to navigate essentially parenting two children by herself after he left us. He never paid a penny towards child maintenance for either of us and has never paid for anything at all for either of us since then - food/health/school/home/holiday costs. He was a pretty absent father and ultimately I do feel he’s quite narcissistic.
Since my parents divorced, my dad and brother have had an awful relationship (my dad would only see my brother to do something that benefited him like play golf while my brother drove the caddy even though my brother hates golf), and my dad would only really ask how we were once a month and never really asked anything on a deeper level for me connection, however I worked with my dad for seven years until the age of 23, and we used to commute into work together every day, so I have had a better relationship with my dad than my brother. My dad and his wife moved across the country in 2020 (about 5hrs away from me) and have been to visit once (despite me booking at Airbnb and driving 5hrs once or twice a year, every year) and our relationship has been more fractured since he moved.
Last year, the year I got married, everything went downhill. It started with me and my now husband deciding that we wanted to get married abroad in September 2026 (with a very small legal ceremony in the UK a few weeks later, only with immediate family and my grandparents who obviously couldn’t attend the the abroad Wedding). We sent out our wedding invitations in September 2024 with an RSVP date of April 2025. My dad and his wife did not acknowledge that they received a wedding invitation, nor did they speak to me about anything to do with the wedding. At Christmas 2024, I saw my dad for an hour and he actively walked away from a conversation about the Wedding to avoid engaging in discussion. Prefacing this with the fact I understood that not everyone can attend an abroad wedding and may not be in a financial position to do so, so I left it for a few months and hoped that he would respond either way by the deadline. He didn’t, and instead I had to call him to ask if he was planning to attend - which he said “no I don’t think so” with no other explanation. Without prying too much, I tried to understand why he wouldn’t be coming, so that if nothing else, I could give him the option for us to pay for him to come to the wedding, but he didn’t give a reason. I was incredibly upset and started therapy to work through the rejection for the second time in my life. Bear in mind that through the entirety of me planning my wedding, not once did he or his wife ask any questions about planning, whether they could help with anything, and also didn’t offer any financial help not even £50 towards the bar tab (which is fine - me and my husband were intending on paying for the whole wedding ourselves anyway, but it’s the thought and principal behind it that hurt).
The abroad wedding happened, we had a wonderful time and to be honest, I’m glad he wasn’t there because there would’ve been a lot of awkwardness between him my mom and my brother.
However, the legal wedding was booked for the 26th
September, which he had said he would come to and bring my Nan (his mum). Unfortunately, in my Nan was very poorly and in hospital during this time, I regularly visited her and said that we would try to find a way that she could come even if it was just for the 20 minute ceremony itself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t. Three days before the legal ceremony, I got a text from my dad saying the suspension had gone in his car and he wouldn’t be able to make the legal ceremony. I was absolutely blown away and not expecting him to bail at all. There was no apology, sadness or resolution in his message - he simply said he wasn’t coming because of the car. He could’ve hired a car, booked a taxi, or even got the train, but he didn’t.
Again, the legal ceremony happened and we had a wonderful day, but halfway through the evening meal after the ceremony, I looked at my phone and saw a text from my dad. He had screenshotted my name change on Facebook (I decided to double barrel my mum’s maiden name and my husband’s surname) and his text said “ what’s this about then?”. He had also text my brother the exact same thing. Not only was this wildly inappropriate for my legal wedding day but also absolutely none of his business what I do with my name. I was having too much of a lovely day to respond to him there and then so I decided to reply to him the next day, where I essentially said “what right do you have to question my choices and decisions? I’m so tired of waiting for you to be your father I deserve” in a few more words than that. He never responded, never picked up the phone and that’s the last he’s heard from me and the last I’ve heard from him since September last year.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s best that my dad is out of my life and he will probably never be part of it again. I do feel pretty at peace with this situation, but as I start thinking about having children of my own this year, I just can’t believe my dad will not be finding out that he’s having a grandchild through me and it really does break my heart in so many ways. Maybe just looking for some support, words encouragement or a different perspective of things that I may not be considering?