u/Bitter-Serve-773

Today is a bad day

This impacts on every aspect of life.

He states he wants to go to marriage counselling but is she coming too??

She is part of this

We went for a walk, not talking just walking.

Passing the time of day. Oh, look at the reflection of the sun on the water.

We have a beautiful lake where we live and sadly a woman so desperate drowned her son aged 5 and then took her own life. I say to him, I have admiration to a degree for her. Whilst she was in such a bad place she felt she had no way out, she took her son with her. No labels for him. Never being called the child with the mother who killed herself. He didn't have to grown under a cloud with depression for him on the horizon.

Now call me a fool, I believe when your time is up, then it's up. He was never supposed to reach 6 years of age, if she hadn't drowned him, he would have been run over or something. Such a sad situation to be in

He stood there and cried for this stranger. I could see his vulnerability.

Weeks ago I cried for us when he was telling me we had to go to marriage counselling. Blind sighted and not knowing what was happening.

I feel hollow today. I don't have the energy to ask anymore questions.

Its the weekend and we decided to try tonspend the dates together

We spent time talking about things and why he goes to see this domme

He's told me that he watched this film called beautiful boy(Steve Carell and Timothee Chalamet) Basically the son gets addicted to drugs. The son tells his father that he feels like he has this big black hole and feels nothing. Not seen it so I hope it am describing it right.

He tells me he cried at this. He said it hit home and he said it was because that was how he felt pretty much all the time

Mental health is a wicked thing. It will play with your mind, chew you up and spit you out

He laughed today too. I haven't heard him laugh for a while and as we laughed together everything that had happened disappeared whilst we enjoyed our company

He talked about her and what she did to him. He told me how he felt. Ironically, it sounds a bit like therapy!!

My head is a bit mashed again today because I find myself feeling sorry for him. She's not moving in but could the 3 of us be happy together?

I have to start looking for marriage counselling next week. Maybe they can help

I feel calm, or as calm as I can be

He messaged to say he was on his way home, i knew it would be about an hour. I keep myself busy until he arrives

I hear the door and he walks in. I can feel his mood. Is he happy, possibly. He seems lighter. Is he high, not on drugs but on what he has experienced, yes I think that is it. I can't burst his bubble

I hug him, is he nervous, possibly he is going to debrief me.

We go upstairs for him to change. I am like a little girl waiting to hear what he has to say. He asks if I'm OK, I say yes.

He asks if I want to see where she has marked him, I say ok. He has wealt across his buttocks, he tells me 30 with the cane and 30 with the whip! Then he shows me the front and says he was whipped here too. I cant see anything. How can he stand to be whipped there?? He tells me was over some contraption and his balls can hang and she can whip him there.

I ask how he is capable of these punishments and he jokes I'm hard ( not literally) then like a little embarrassed boy says he has built up the stamina

He tells me what else went on. I'm not shocked, just disbelief, not because I don't believe him but how can he have this done.

We sit down to talk and he has discussed the fact I found out about him seeing her. She casts not judgements. She just warns him to be careful, be guarded. Maybe careful isn't the right word, but she is looking out for him. Protecting him or atleast telling him to protect himself

He tells me he doesn't trust me. 32 years we have been together, I've never hurt him. I tell a lie I bit him once!! Not good I know!!

I'm a little shocked, I ask him if he trusts her and he says yes. Of course he does

He tells me he can't let me see the vulnerable side of what he has done to him. He is quick to run through what he had been through, he is not ashamed but shy. I thought he could tell me anything

He asks if I am OK. I say i am fine. I am trying to not burst his bubble. I hate fine, it's all I ever seem to say. He points out I am not. I don't know how to articulate myself. I am not that educated. He states he is sorry and he is a scumbag.

I nearly lose my cool. Stay calm. I tell him he can't continue to apologise. I don't want him to feel any worse than he does already

He looks at me in disbelief, he starts to say he can't believe how I am handling this, like I'm superhero. I'm not.

He tells me he loves me. I tell him back. He tells me again he wants to go to marriage counselling. I'll be there.

He is tired, I know he wants to stop talking but I still want to ask questions

I am struggling with him not trusting me comment. I ask him if he trusts her. He says yes. Of course he does.

I don't have the words, he asks again if I am OK. I tell him he can't keep asking me this.

I'm cross to a degree but I remained calm

I say again, he is tired. Enough now.

He added he had not been able to finish. I could see he was disappointed. He told me this was the second time it had happened. I don't know if i caused this. Not intentionally, but because I knew what was happening

Whilst reading his emails I came across a website she had recommended. I looked at it and searched her. I see her. Not knowing what name he goes by I search for him. Nothing. I spot a button stating followers, I click on it. I start to scroll and there he is!

I'm not sure how i feel about this. I don't know if i am torturing myself. I am strong but this is someone I know nothing about. Yes we have been together 32 years, yes we have been married 17, but I clearly know nothing about him

I really don't know what I am going to do

I feel like this has been going on for a decade!

So following on from my dominatrix bomb I asked my husband if I could see his communication with her.

As you can imagine he got agitated. His immediate answer no. He said nothing good vould come from it. I explained that it may help me with the situation we are in. We discussed other things but he was so agitated he was quite dismissive.

We ate or tea and he asked to speak to me after to discuss why I was acting the way I was, I was understandably distant. I addressed the matter of reading the emails. He looked deflated! And then forcefully said just read them. I was conscious neither of us were in the right head space so I said he had my word that I would read them until he gave his true consent. We left it there for the evening and he went off to work the following morning. He has lied to me for 8 months, rightly or wrongly I was not going to keep my word. I was straight on his laptop.

Under JOBS were the emails. Times, dates, options??

I started at the beginning and at the start there were no surprises. He had told me most of the content. He had told me he loved her like a friend, when I found the email he was apologising to her for over stepping. He told her He loved her the same as his loved his boss(a guy) adding not in a gay way!! She reassured him she had taken it at face value and felt complemented.

In my former content I mentioned we has a row and he concluded we need to see a marriage counsellor. He poured his heart out to her. The line that took my breath away, she(that would be me) claims she will do everything in her power to change things, adding like that's going to happen!!

I continued, more appointments to see her, asking how he should pay and passing the time of day.

Then came the last email explaining he had been caught! He said she knows everything. He spat the word 'Vixen' that was how I found out. There was a payment to the company, other than large amounts of cash coming out there was very little else to give him away.

It was like he was reassuring her by saying he had told me it was non negotiable. He told her whilst I was not giving my permission, I had not demanded he stop going. He mentioned there was longer a case of punity?? I had no idea what this meant. I googled and came to realise he was giving her permission to hit him as hard as she would like! So now if he has wealt marks I will see them!!

He gave more dates for June requesting a 2 hour session and He ended by stating he could not wait to see her tomorrow. No surprise, I have told him I need to know this information

I have no idea how i remained so calm. He has no idea i have looked.

Am I mad?? She thanks him, she complements him, she never mentions the word love. She never mentions me. She gives him support where he needs it. She is not cold. She is empathetic. I don't know if she is clever or not. I appreciate he is a client and she is clear with him. Is it a type of therapy? I will never truly know what is said between them because the discuss this face to face.

I never mentioned i had read the emails. I asked him to let me read them when he felt he could, I said I would be calm and not judge. I asked him to not delete anything and let me see exactly what has passed between them.

He told her that if he could have picked a child it would have been our daughter in law. He said she reminded him of her(the dom) I'm sure my daughter in law would be elated, I don't think!!

I feel flat. I feel dead inside.

He is off to see her tomorrow and when finished will shower and come home to debrief me. This is what I have asked for.

I just need to rant to get this off my chest . I look forward to your thoughts on this